Lost days fade
by indyjb
Summary: Post-Mockingjay from when Greasy Sae cooks breakfast for Peeta and Katniss to the epilogue. Peeta and Katniss's story of growing back together, finding peace and deciding to make life count. Eventually, will get to M but starting out slow.
1. Breakfast

Greasy Sae heads out after cleaning up breakfast leaving Peeta and I alone in the kitchen. Unsure of what to do or say I settle for staring at the table. So many questions flood my mind. Why did he come back here? Did they exile him here with me because they thought he was in on my attack on Coin? If so, why wait so long before letting him come home?

He mentioned that Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let him return until yesterday. Does that mean he wanted to come back sooner? For what, it is not like he still loves me. How could he. I am the reason he has nightmares, the reason he was tortured and will continue to be tortured every day of his life. Surely he is being punished too. He no longer loves me.

Peeta interrupts my thoughts, "Katniss have you called Dr. Aurelius yet? He really can help you.", he expresses with the deepest look of sincerity in his eyes.

"Maybe tomorrow" I shrug my shoulders while looking down at Buttercup finishing off the last of my bacon. "I'm tired. I'm going to lie down." I voice as I get up from the table walking toward the couch.

"Oh… okay" Peeta replies. "I'll see you later. Greasy Sae asked me to come over for dinner, if that's alright. She is cooking for all of us and it would make it easier on her. I will bring some cheese buns. I know they are your favorite."

Why does he bother asking my permission? It doesn't seem like he is providing me much of a choice that I will see him again. When I don't respond Peeta heavy sighs at the door then leaves me alone. A sense of longing washes over me and I want to call out to him. Ask him to stay, but I know I can't ask that. I can never ask that again.

He has given up so much for me and now he is destined to spend the rest of his life here in 12. Where his family and friends are amongst the ashes. I will send a letter to Paylor explaining that Peeta had no hand in my actions and request that he no longer be exiled to 12 with me. He should be somewhere where he can move on with his life and be happy. He deserves that and not this pathetic life with me and the remnants of everything that once was.

This morning's events have exhausted not only my body, but also my mind. Before I have anymore time to contemplate Peeta's arrival I find myself dozing off. The shovel sounds from Peeta planting the Primrose bushes creep into my nightmare. I am in the grave pleading with the dead while they take turns shoveling dirt on me. I plead with Cinna, Rue and this time Madge that I am sorry. I didn't mean for them to die. I choke on the dirt laid upon me and can no longer breathe as I scream out each of my apologies. As I convulse in the dirt I hear the faintest whisper of my name. It starts out low but steadily gets louder.

"Katniss, Katniss, wake up! You're having a nightmare ." Peeta has his hands on my shoulders trying to shake me out of the daze. My face is soaked with tears, my throat is sore. "I heard you screaming from my house", he says breathlessly.

I manage to open my eyes through the tears, but do everything to avoid eye contact. This is too familiar and I cannot allow it to happen. Peeta moves his hand off my shoulder to my chin and raises my head towards his. Worry plastered all over his face. "Katniss, you really need to talk to Dr. Aurelius", he firmly says. "He can help you. He has helped me so much."


	2. Lost Things

I search within his deep blue eyes for any trace of the old Peeta, wondering if he is still in there. He seems like his old self, but there is something different. His gaze resembles an emotion that I cannot place. It is definitely not one of affection, maybe it's pity. Before I can register it he shakes his head, drops his hand from my chin and quickly rushes off the couch.

"I have to go. I have…. I have bread in the oven" , he sputters and scurries out the door.

Shadows cast in my living room. In an hour or so Greasy Sae will be back to cook dinner and I wonder if Peeta will return. The way he left doesn't settle right. If it tortures him that much to be alone with me here in District 12 why did he come back? He definitely is no longer my Peeta and it confirms he must have been forced to live here. I will start writing that letter to Paylor now. If I can get him somewhere else, anywhere else, maybe he will stand a chance finding happiness. Then I can at least feel like I did one thing right, and can return to the solitude of my couch. All there is to do is find some paper.

My search starts in the kitchen, but after looking in every drawer and cabinet I find nothing. There has to be some paper around this house somewhere. I rummage the living room next. This is ridiculous! My frustration turns into anger and I start dumping all the drawers and throwing the boxes on the floor.

Still there is nothing.

I was, however, able to find the fountain pen. Didn't anyone ever write any letters! I never did, but surely Prim did for school. The thought of her name stops me in front of the only room I have yet to enter. Her door has remained closed since my return. A sudden weakness takes over my body. Undecided if I can brace myself to enter, I lean against the door and slide down to the floor bringing my legs to my chest. Buttercup comes and settles next to me. He starts to cry out and I yell at him to shut up before I realize that I am crying too.

How have we become previous enemies that now console each other? I hear the sound of the front door opening and closing but no one calls out and I don't announce myself. It doesn't matter anyway. Greasy Sae, won't bother me. Resting my head on my legs I accept defeat when I realize there is no way I will ever be able to enter her room. I have to think somewhere else I can find paper. Perhaps Haymitch may have some or I'll ask Greasy Sae. Right now I need to convince myself to get off the floor, however, before I can attempt anything I am lifted into strong arms. Peeta's arms.

I start to flail around and yell for him to let me go. Telling him it isn't his job to take care of me anymore. My rants cease when I smell the bread and cheese that radiates from him. His arms are strong, but soft around me and I start to remember how many times these arms have brought me comfort during restless nights. Peeta's holds me to tighter to his chest. My hand twists a handful of cloth from his shirt as I rest my head in the crease of his neck. Breathing in the familiar scent of him.

"Katniss what happened here?" he whispers.

"I was looking for something." I mumble.

"Looking for what?" Peeta asks trying to extract the truth from me.

"It doesn't matter, there is none in this house." I will never be able to go through that door so anything in there is lost for eternity. Peeta sets me down on the couch and starts to pick up the mess I created in my hastily search. His presence is making me feel defensive and anger rises within me. How can he come in here and try to take care of me again. When I turn to look at him I notice he is looking at me with that same damn frown from earlier. "You have to stop." I groan.

"Stop what?" Peeta turns to look at me.

I start screaming at him. "I can clean up after myself!"

He freezes for a moment possibly startled by my loudness and unpleasantness. My tone is evoking an episode. I should be careful not to upset him. I don't care what he does to me but I can't allow him to do something he will regret. Luckily, after a few minutes he gathers himself and says firmly, "All I am doing is picking up this mess on the floor. What is going on with you?"

Nothing is going on with me can't he see that. There is nothing here for him. He deserves so much better than this. Just raising my voice was enough to provoke an episode. What would happen if I pushed him further? I don't want Peeta to go away, but it is better for him to leave.

"Nothing is going on with me! Don't worry you don't have to clean up my messes for long. You'll be leaving soon."

"Leave. I am not leaving." He looks utterly confused.

"Yes you will. I can't find a piece of paper now, but when I do I am going to write to Paylor explaining your innocence. That you had no part in the attack against Coin so that you will no longer be exiled to 12 with me. You won't have to take care of me anymore and will be free to travel wherever you want and start a new life and begin a family with someone new. Like Gale did. I can survive without either of you." My words began strong and loud but as I continue about him leaving they become jumbled and broken, and I can't stop the tears running down my face.


	3. Friends

Peeta steps slowly to the couch never breaking eye contact. His expression is full of compassion as he sits directly beside me. This closeness is too much too soon. I withdrawal from him and move as far as the couch will allow. Peeta emits a little laugh and moves closer to me. The laugh must be in response to the scowl I am bestowing on him, which could have more of an affect if tears weren't still streaming down my face. His arm touches mine and deciding that I need to be farther away I stand up. His closeness is making me uncomfortable, but before I can move any farther away Peeta grabs my arm and forces me back down on to the couch.

"Stop moving" he huffs at me like a parent would scold a child.

"I wasn't forced to come back to 12. I chose to come back." He enunciates each word slowly, like I am hard of hearing. Although I can hear every word they do not make any sense. Why would he decide to come back when there is nothing here for him anymore? "That's not real." I blurt out.

"Why would you choose to come back here? Your family is gone, I am damaged and the sight of me makes you distressed." I blurt out before I can think of my words consequences.

At the mention of his family his head lowers and his grip loosens on my arm. What I said hurt his feelings. I am always hurting him! "Peeta I am... I am sorry about about your family, but the rest is still true."

"My family is gone. That is real. You can't even tell where the bakery stood anymore amongst the rubble". Peeta's breath catches when he mentioned the bakery. He then turns his face towards me which has become more rigid and looks me confidently in the eyes.

"I was not forced to come back Katniss. Plutarch wanted me to stay in the Capital and Dr. Aurelius even was against me returning this soon or ever. I however….I needed to return home, not for you, for me." Peeta's head lowers again removing his eyes from my gaze his expression seems ashamed.

"My memories are getting easier to decipher than before, but some are still shimmery and my interpretations of some are cloudy. I don't know who I am Katniss. There is this shell I have been able to construct of who I was, but it has no substance. I need you. " He looks back up and places his hand on top of mine.

"No one else knows me like you do. I could see that when we were in the Capital, during the war. When you were telling me how I was a painter, a baker, that I like to sleep with the windows open. I could tell you knew things about me, things others didn't. We have been through alot together and I need help figuring out what is real and what is not. I didn't want to bring it up yet because you are still dealing with losing …." My body tightens up at the anticipation of her name.

"Prim. I didn't want to put any extra burden on you." he whispers.

There he goes thinking of me again even though he says he is not here for me. He decided to come back home and needs my help. Can I give him what he needs? I try so hard to forget the past, but forgetting doesn't do justice to those who are no longer with us. They wouldn't want me to live like this; Cinna, Finnick, Prim and all the others who can't be here. I need to start living for them and remember them for Peeta. However, there is one statement Peeta said that I don't understand and want clarification, "You're not forced to stay here with me?" I reply.

"No, not forced, here by choice." My arms encircle him in a tight embrace before I realize what I am doing. My body has always acted on its own around Peeta. The movement although must of been too quick for Peeta to process, because his body tenses underneath my arms. "Katniss stay still" he whispers in my left ear. I can feel his hot breath on my neck. We sit on the couch for a few minutes, my arms wrapped around his body until he releases them from a top of his shoulders.

"I'm sorry I can control the urges, but if I am not on guard an episode can creep up on me. I need to take it slow Katniss." Slow. I can do slow.

"Okay" I say sheepishly. .

"Then you'll allow it. Us being friends, you helping me make sense of my memories?" His words resurface a memory of the day Effie and Haymitch canceled our prepping before the Quarter Quell. Of our shared moments on the rooftop, when I let go of the fear and worry, and allowed myself to be happy with Peeta.

"Yes I will allow it." A smile forms on my face.

"I asked you this before, real or not real?" Peeta says unsure. The image he is seeing must be struggling with the fake ones that the Capital implanted.

"Real." I say back to him. Watching his face while he figures out which images are real.


	4. The Start

"Will you tell me about that day? I want to imagine it again. The way it was originally. When I try to think of it now I initially feel peace and satisfaction, but then hate and anger slip in and over take it." I hesitate before I answer. I realize that Peeta's wants to stay here, stay home, and part of that involves me releasing information. However, I have never really been good at talking. He was the one good with words. I'm not sure if I can do this. Yes, you can. I assure myself. I have to do it, even if it will be painful. As I open my mouth to start Greasy Sae enters through the front door.

"I am not cleaning that up." is all she says as she heads to the kitchen and starts cooking dinner. She mentions nothing about the fact that Peeta and I are intertwined on the couch together.

"Another time maybe" Peeta whispers in my ear as he gets up from the couch. He continues picking up the living room where he left off. My hand moves to my neck where I can still feel his breath on my neck. I decide to get up off the couch and tell him that I can handle picking up the mess. I was the one who threw everything to the ground anyway. He shrugs his shoulders but permits it and goes to help Greasy Sae in the kitchen.

I don't bother taking the time to organize the items neatly back in the drawers as Peeta was doing. I choose to stuff everything back in the drawers until they are full. There are just a few more items left under the coffee table, so I get to my knees to gather them up. What do you know, scattered underneath are a stack of papers. They must have slipped from my sight in my haste of anger. I place a mental note of where I put them just in case I can't help Peeta the way he needs me to. After everything is off the floor I tell Greasy Sae and Peeta that I am going to see if Haymitch wants to eat and walk out the door.

As I walk up Haymitch's stairs I wonder if I am going to even bother to knock. He is probably passed out anyways so I decided to let myself in. My assumptions are correct and I find him spread out in his chair. A bottle in one hand a knife in the other. He will never decide to come to dinner if I throw water on him so I decide to try to nudge his shoulder. That doesn't work so I place my forearm down on his arm that has the knife and start to shout in his face. "HAYMITCH GET UP!" I yell. Finally after the fifth attempt he comes to, startled, and looks to me and then down to my arm on his.

"Sweetheart, do you mind getting off of me." He snarls.

"Always pleasant" I return.

He grabs the bottle besides his chair "I could say the same for you. What do you want?"

"Greasy Sae is cooking dinner for Peeta and I and I thought you might be hungry"

"You thought I might be hungry or you want me to be your distraction, sweetheart" Haymitch implies too much. He knows me too well. I turn around and leave without a further word. I don't even know why I bother to talk to that drunk anyway.

When I return to my house I go directly to the kitchen table and take a seat. Peeta brings over a basket of cheese buns and places them in front of me. He grabs one and hands it to me.

"Is Haymitch coming?" Peeta inquires.

"No he's occupied" I retort and take a bite of my favorite bread.

"I'll take him some food afterwards." I nod in agreeance but If Peeta insists on keeping that drunk alive that's his problem. I on the other hand hope he chokes on his dinner. Greasy Sae leaves with food for her granddaughter leaving Peeta and I alone again. We eat quietly. Before Greasy Sae came in he wanted to know about the day on the roof before the Quell. I can do this. I tell myself, but can I relive the past? Yes, for Peeta I can.

"It was a nice day." I start.

"Today was okay." Peeta replies.

"Not today. The day before the Quarter Quell, you told me you wanted to spend every minute we had left with me. We kept to ourselves and went to the roof of the training center. Do you remember?"

"I remember playing with your hair, vaguely, on the roof?" he says seeking confirmation.

"Yes you said you were practicing your knots." I nod.

"When I try to think back to that day there are so many mixed feelings. Please tell me more" he urges. I tell him everything, starting at the beginning when we got the note that we didn't have prepping for the day. How we spent time on the roof and ordered up dinner. I didn't even leave out agreeing to allow that moment to freeze if it was possible. Peeta seems confused. I wonder what Capital memories are conflicting with the memory I just told him.

"I am not good at this but I am trying for you Peeta, tell me what conflicts you." I urge him.

"I don't think I am ready for that yet" he objects.

"What are you not ready for?" I thought he wanted to make sense of his memories. Now he is back tracking.

"The truth" he replies looking heartbroken.

"I thought you wanted to know the truth and that is why you said you needed me. I can't help you if you don't tell me the feelings you are trying to decipher."

"You gave the impression that you were happy that day. That you enjoyed my company, but there were no cameras around and we were going back into the arena." He thinks my all my affections towards him were fake. There were times I told myself they were. I still don't really know how to interpret them with all this sorrow I feel. I don't think I am ready yet either.

"At that time, in that moment I was happy." That is all I allow myself to confess.

"What about it made you happy?" Peeta inquires. "Were you happy that I was going to back in the arena to die, happy that you wouldn't have to deal with your fake star-crossed lover anymore." I am repulsed that he think of me like that, but I remember those are not his thoughts those are the thoughts Snow implanted in his head.

"Peeta I made a deal with Haymitch that we would keep you alive. I hoped that your name would be called so Haymitch could volunteer and you would be safe as a mentor. My heart broke when you volunteered to go back and take his place." Peeta takes his thumb and gently wipes away the tear rolling down my cheek leaving his hand resting on my face.

"I knew you wanted to protect me, but you deserved protecting, not me. You were so kind, generous and always did whatever you could to keep me safe. Even when we were barely talking after the first games, you never let Snow see anything else but your love for me. You valued my safety over your heart and all I gave you in return was telling you how I wanted forget it all." I guiltily disclose.

"What were you trying to forget?" Peeta demands more information.

"The pains of the first game, they brought on the nightmares. I had to forget everything even if that included the time with you. Every memory ended up with someone dying. I thought it was how I needed to move on. It wasn't until later that I realized that being in your" I had to stop there. Where was I taking this conversation? Am I going to tell him that in his arms is the only place that made me feel safe, that the only time I was able to get any rest was when my head was laying against his chest?

"My what, Katniss please tell me. I need to know." he pleads.

"Your arms, that being in your arms tamed the nightmares. They made me feels safe and I needed them wrapped around me." I expose.

Peeta smiles, he seems like he has finally made sense of this memory and maybe some others. I am feeling vulnerable and his hand is still on my face, which he moves to stroke my hair. His touch is soft and gentle just like he is. He quietly stares into my eyes, maybe trying to decipher if I am really telling him the truth. Peeta jumps at the noise of my front door being opened and Haymitch stumbles in.

"Did I interrupt something?"Haymitch laughs.

"Don't you know how to knock?" I stand up and start to walk towards him.

"You did invite me to dinner, sweetheart, and I am hungry." Peeta gets up and starts making Haymitch's plate.

"Didn't you get the hint? Me leaving your house abruptly was me dis-inviting you." Peeta puts the plate down at the table for Haymitch.

"Now he knows how to be hospitable." Haymitch points at Peeta.

"Haymitch you should really knock next time. You can't just barg into people's houses." Peeta says politely.

"Why? You guys do it to me all the time." Haymitch proclaims.

"That's because you are always passed out." I sneer.

"It doesn't look like you need any of my help here anyways." Haymitch continues as he eats his food.

"Help for what?" Peeta inquires.

"Oh, miss thing here was hoping that I could come to dinner so that she wouldn't have to talk to you alone. Didn't you, Katniss?"

"That's not true." I exclaim.

"When have you ever invited me to dinner before Peeta showed up?" Haymitch questions me.

"It just seemed cruel to leave you out."

"I prefer to be alone, sweetheart or haven't you figured that out yet. It's the same way you prefer, is it not?"

"Hmmm" Peeta says. He starts to walk to the door. "I think I am going to call it a night. I'll see you later. Katniss. Haymitch." He nods to each of us as he walks out to his house across Victory Village.

"Get out now, Haymitch!" I am so mad. What he said is not wrong, but it didn't need to be said.

"Easy, easy, don't get all in a tizzy. I am leaving." He gets up leaving his plate on the table while pulling out a bottle from his pocket and starts drinking. I am left alone again, so I decide to go to bed. I have had enough for today. The nightmares are almost the same tonight; dead friends burying me, running from mutts, a presence staring at me. This is one is new. I don't usually have the feeling of being watched unless it's in an arena. I wake up and rise to a sitting position. The figure is still hovering in my door frame. Wait, am I still in the dream?

"Katniss, it's me Peeta." a voice whispers. Peeta's here? I must still be dreaming and the mutt version of Peeta is going to kill me. The mutt continues to whispers, "I had a nightmare and I just wanted to make sure you were still here. I didn't even think I would be able to get in. Do you always leave your door unlocked?"

I am still crouching on my bed, ready to defend off an attack. He senses my uneasiness. "Katniss this isn't a dream. You're awake."


	5. During the Night

"I'm awake, why are you here Peeta?" I say as I start to come to.

"Sorry I had a nightmare and I just wanted to make sure you were still here." This reminds me of a time before when I asked Peeta why he never woke me up when he had nightmares. He confessed that his nightmares were always about losing me and once he woke up and saw I was still there he would be alright so there was no need to wake me.

"Where would I go Peeta? I am confined here, remember." Even if I wasn't confined I think I would have came back here anyways. I don't belong in the Capital, I don't belong with Gale, and I would be a constant reminder of pain to my mother. I would have came here anyways so I could be alone, like Haymitch.

"I don't know, into the woods so you don't have to deal with me." He says leaning against the doorframe. Why would he think that I don't want to be near him? Doesn't he know how much I need him. I didn't, not really, until he returned. Today has been the first day that I tried to start living again. The days before were nothing but complete darkness. I could survive without him but it would be a insubstantial life. He makes me want to try to live for more. That's when I realize that I didn't give him that impression. It's because of what was said at dinner. I am going to kill Haymitch.

"Peeta, that's absurd. I wouldn't run away from you. I am just unsure if I can give you what you deserve."

"Deserve" He lingers on the word before continuing. "What do you think I deserve Katniss?" He looks mystified as he comes to sit at the edge of the bed trying to get a closer look at me.

"Better than this, better than me." I mumble the last part, but it doesn't go unnoticed.

"This is what I want Katniss. There is no where else for me and no one else for me who is better than you. There are a lot of things I am unsure of, but the one thing I know for certain is that I am drawn to you. No matter how much I have been trying to keep my distance today, I find myself here anyways." He laughs to himself and shakes his head while playing with his robe's belt. That is when I notice Peeta is only in a robe and a pair of house slippers. His chest is slightly exposed. I've always been drawn to his chest and it's defined ridges of muscle. He doesn't have a lot of chest hair which I like. I enjoyed laying in his arms when his shirt would be off so I could rest my head on his bare chest.

Peeta cuts off my staring and continues with a smirk, "My feelings are still jumbled from the tracker jacker venom and I am unsure of how you feel towards me. I think there are times that I see it. I see a glimpse of the feelings I feel for you, reflected from you to me. I tell myself they are real, but then there are the memories from the Capital and the acts of fake love that you portrayed for the cameras that I know are not real. I don't know how to process it all."

The Capital really messed us up.I don't know how to respond. There was a time Gale asked me how I felt about him and I was so afraid for my family's life that I couldn't answer. I think now it is because I didn't know how I felt about Peeta. Although, Peeta is not necessarily asking about my feelings towards him, however, if I don't clarify he will be left in the dark. After all this time he still wants me. In what way, I do not know.

If I am being honest, I feel drawn to him as well. I knew it back in 13. When he was gone I was hollow. Then when he returned he wasn't himself and I still felt empty and I started to hate him for it. Which is why I think I never really did him any justice back when he was initially being treated. Instead I cast him off as a mutt after he told me he made a mistake and should've feed the bread to the pigs. It was that or face the truth that he no longer wanted me and I couldn't do that.

"I don't know what to say." I need to for him but I am not ready to share my feelings.

"You don't have to say anything. I should be getting back to bed." He gets up turning towards the door. "I am going to lock your door when I leave Katniss. You should lock it at night." I hear him say as he walks down stairs.

As I sit on my bed thinking he wanted me to say more. So much for slow because it seems like he wants me to validate my feelings for him. I am not ready for that. I can't go back to bed so I get up and take a shower. Peeta comes over for breakfast in the morning but says minimal. He acts the same for dinner. Greasy Sae doesn't come over for lunch she figures I can handle at least that much. She is wrong, I eat only breakfast and dinner. At night I hear Peeta come into my room. He has never been known for his stealth. I never lock my door, act like I am asleep and he leaves locking the door behind him. This continues for a couple days. He doesn't ask any more questions and I don't offer any other information. It's close to the way we acted after the first games. I know he hates it and is waiting on me to make the first move. If I wait long enough he'll break the silence, but I can't wait any longer. I don't want him to leave again so tonight when he comes into my room I grab out for his arm.


	6. Stay

"Katniss, I didn't mean to wake you." he whispers.

"It's okay Peeta I wasn't asleep." a smirk forms but I don't have the heart to tell him that I have been awake for all of his visits. Unsure why it amuses me that he thinks he is quiet enough that I couldn't hear him coming. My grip loosens just enough on his arm so some of my fingers graze his skin. Just the smallest contact with him brings life back into me even if it is just to stop him from leaving.

"Sorry it's my nightmares. I just wanted to make sure you were here, that you're safe. It's so hard not coming over here when I hear you scream, but when I wake from my sleep I can't resist the urge any more. I'll go back now." He begins to pull his arm out of my hand, but I tighten the grip around his wrist.

"No, stay for a while." I insist slightly pulling him down towards the bed. It would be nice to have something other than the nightmares to keep me company tonight.

"I don't think I should." he says as he turns his head away from me.

"Why?" We've shared a bed many nights before. Peeta mentioned he heard my screams but never came over to comfort me. The only reason he is here is to relieve the distress from his own nightmares. These are not the actions of my Peeta. He would not let me suffer alone and would comfort me after a nightmare. This Peeta doesn't want us to comfort each other like we did so many nights on the train.

"I don't trust myself completely around you. What if I wake up in an episode while you're asleep and you can't defend yourself?"

"I trust you" I do. Ever since the night we were running for our lives and I risked suicide by kissing him. Thinking that it just might pull him out of the episode so we could escape. He was able to regain control over himself and started to return to me. Not fully, but enough to where Snow didn't win in his approach to turn Peeta into a weapon to kill me.

"You shouldn't." he cautions pulling his hand away.

"Peeta you won't hurt me. Stay with me." raising myself up in a kneeling position on my bed to get closer to him. He needs to know that I trust him, that I know he will no longer try to hurt me. I take his hands in mine.

"How do you know?" The look of intensity in his eyes has me mesmerized as he moves closer. It is enough to have my heart racing. This is why he is so distant. He is fearful of harming me. How could he of not felt the same way I did, after we kissed. Doesn't he understand his actions have shown that he has progressed beyond the first day he saw me in District 13. He must see that he is capable of controlling himself and the old Peeta is still a part of him. The Peeta that once thought the only weakness to beauty was his weakness for me. I wonder if he still feels that way, after all the pain his weakness has caused him.

"After the kiss" turning my face to the side. It is one thing to tell the truth another to say it so blatantly in front of him with his face so close. Maybe kneeling on my bed was a bad idea. My cheeks swell with warmth and I am happy the shadows of the night shield them from him. My body reacts to him involuntarily and leans closer. Why it always betrays me like this has done nothing but confuse me.

"What do you mean, after the kiss, Katniss?" he tries to nudge me to look at him my face still tilted to the side. I am not good with these things, but I want Peeta to know I feel safe around him I just don't know how to tell him. I don't want him to leave. If I could go back to the comfort of his arms there is a chance I could actually get some rest. Surrendering I raise my face up and look at him squarely.

"It's just you were different afterwards. I knew you wouldn't try to hurt me anymore. That you returned to me, at least partially. There is no part of me that is scared of you Peeta and you shouldn't be afraid to be near me." His hand moves away from my grasp again and I think he is going to try to leave, but instead he raises his hand and moves the stray hair on my face behind my ear. This sends a warm sensation throughout my whole body, my face involuntarily moves towards his palm to feel more of his touch.

"You're not scared of me at all?" he still questions with abundant shock. There were times in the past that I was, but not now. Will there ever be a time when the destruction from the games doesn't ruin our chances for happiness?

"Not anymore." grabbing his arm to pull him to the bed. A smile forms and he lets out a laugh, but shocks me when he gets back up.

"I thought we settled this." It came out more of a pout, but I want his warmth back, his arms to shield me from the nightmares, maybe I am doing this more for me than for him.

"If you want me to lie down. This robe is going to have to come off and the windows need opened." he moves to the windows, cracking them and starts to remove his robe then his leg. His bare chest shows and the only article of clothing left is his pajama pants. My eyes don't move from his direction and he notices but doesn't call to it as he crawls on the bed, opens his arm and gestures for me to come and rest my head. I rush a little too quickly into his arms and can feel the smile rise when he lowers his head on top of mine.

Moments later when my eyes open I realize the morning light is shining through the window. Sleep bestowed upon me quickly with no nightmares that interrupted my slumber . Wondering if Peeta shared the same peace I raise my head to look at him. His eyes are bloodshot and I can tell he didn't sleep at all.

"Why didn't you sleep?" he is still afraid.

"You know why." he huffs. If he still feels that way why did he stay? I know why.

"Well sleep now." I order him.

"I can't I need to bake. Greasy Sae needs more bread." he tries to get up but moves slowly. His body needs sleep. I shouldn't of asked him to stay. My selfish actions once again cost him.

"Bread can wait. You can sleep for a couple hours I promise I will wake you." he wants to fight back but decides against it and lays back down.


	7. The next day

Peeta is a sleep in a matter of minutes so I go downstairs to call Greasy Sae. She left her number by the phone a while back ago after her granddaughter and her moved into one of the peacekeepers old houses. The shack they used to live in was all burnt up. I appreciate it when she doesn't ask any questions after I tell her she does not need to come over for breakfast and that Peeta will bring her bread later. Surely there is something in the kitchen that I can manage to cook. Unfortunately, cooking is something I lack skill in. I can just manage the basics of cooking game or forging. Nonetheless, I manage to find some oats and berries, which will be enough until lunch.

To kill the time I clean up downstairs, shower and even follow through and call Dr. Aurelius.

"Dr. Aurelius's office. How can I help you?" a high pitched lady answers the phone.

"Yes I would like to speak to Dr. Aurelius." I say hushed. I don't want to wake up Peeta even though I am sure he can't hear me downstairs.

"May I ask who is calling?" The lady requests.

"This is Katniss. He is expecting my call." I assume as much. Although he probably thought I would never call. There is no help he can offer me anyways.

"Yes one second" the receptionist sounds taken back now and in less than thirty seconds Dr. Aurelius is on the line.

He mentions how much a relief it is that I finally called and continues to ramble on how he was going to have to come visit 12 for my treatment if I didn't attempt to make an effort soon. Visiting 12 is not something he sounds fond of, but I can't blame him. The city is full of rubble and there is a layer fresh dirt that lies on the mass grave outside the fence. Dr. Aurelius thankfully doesn't keep me long and there is no mention of Prim, my mother or Peeta. A promise is required to call him back at the end of the week or he threatens to come in person. If the other sessions will be like this one that is something that is manageable.

Before going upstairs to wake Peeta I boil water for breakfast. Peeta is still asleep and looks so peaceful. Ever since his return to twelve he seems so tense and appears always on edge. It is good to see him have the opportunity to finally relax. While making my way to the side of the bed, I notice his hair has grown a little longer and the top part has managed to become disheveled across his forehead. My fingers extend gently over his face to move the hair and my touch elicits a hum out his mouth that urges me to continue. After stroking his hair for a couple minutes his eyes flutter open.

"I told you I would wake you up." I say with a grin.

"Is Greasy Sae here?" he asks. He stretches his muscular arms above his head. I can't help to watch the definition of his biceps while he extending to stretch.

"No I called and told her to stay home and that you would bring her bread later. You may risk dying but you have to suffer and eat my breakfast instead. Did you enjoy your rest?" My hand is still stroking his hair. I haven't been able to force myself to stop and why should I?

"Yes, but about last night. I shouldn't of came over, let alone stayed. I'm not safe, Katniss. I can't risk hurting you." He takes my hand away from his face and covers it with his hand.

"Peeta we went over this, you won't hurt me. Obviously we need each other to sleep. We both suffer from our nightmares and for some reason when we are together they are more tolerable. It's not fair to make each other suffer. We have suffered long enough." Last night was the first time in a while I didn't have a spell of nightmares and I knew if I woke up from one I would have Peeta's arms to pull me out.

"Katniss." he says my name in defeat. This is not how this should go. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. He removes his hand from mine. As his warmth leaves a stinging sensation follows.

"How about a compromise?" I propose.

"A compromise?" Peeta uses his defined arms and lifts himself up in a sitting position. He is looking at me inquisitively trying to work out what I could possibly be contemplating in my head.

"If you want. You can stay here. We can take shifts sleeping. When you wake from your nightmares you can see that I am still here and I will have less nightmares that torture me throughout the night."

"What if I wake up in an episode?" the worry has returned to his face. If he did manage to wake up in an episode. I deserve whatever punishments he bestows upon on me. Despite that, I couldn't do that to Peeta he wouldn't be able to live with himself afterwards.

"I will be awake so I'll have a chance to run. If it puts you more at ease I can take watch closer to the door and we can put a lock on the opposite side. If you have an episode I will lock you in the room until it's over."

"That sounds like it could work." he doesn't sound fully convinced.


	8. Trying

"We can try tonight, if you still don't think it will work then we won't do it again."Last night was the most sleep I have had in months. The warmth of his arms is like morphling. I have discovered that I can never truly sleep without them.

He is quiet for a moment before he answers, "Okay one night we will try, but if I don't think it's safe I am going to go back to my place, deal"

"Deal." a smile creeps on my face but I try to fight it. The expression doesn't go unnoticed by Peeta though. His expression returned is quizzical before he leaves my room to make the bread for Greasy Sae.

Left alone again in this empty house with nothing but the shadows and Buttercup to keep me company. Perhaps it is time I went out to hunt, some game would be a nice gesture to Greasy Sae for her help the last couple months. Plus we are running low on meat and the next train is not due until next week. I gather my gear which is still down the hall before I walk towards the forest. The route I take is the same as when the peacekeepers were here. However, this time it is not due to fear of being caught but to avoid the few people who have returned. Not to mention the massive grave outside the fence. It takes me a little longer then normal and I have to stop and rest on a stump before continuing on to the forest.

Old unattended snares captured animals over the year that are now deteriorated. Not wanting to take the time to create new ones I cut off the animals and discard their carcuses. It is gross but not appalling to me like the men my mother use to treat. Their injuries would make me squirm and I would hide in another room until she was done. It takes me a while to reset the traps and bring down a good size turkey that I realize afterwards is too heavy for me to carry back.

My eyes have always been bigger than what I can carry. Gale was the one who would stop me before I could make these mistakes. He would scare the animal away, but unfortunately I don't have that luxury anymore and unsure if I want it. The war Gale deemed not personal has caused too many casualties that are personal to me. I manage to drag the turkey back to victor's village but have to stop multiple times to rest. Months of not eating and sleeping has left me defenseless and weak.

Luckily, Peeta is on my porch as I enter the gate and moves to greet me. He stares at me with mix of worry and relief as he grabs the Turkey and squats down to offer me a ride on his back. "Jump on."

"Thanks" I reply. Normally I would be too stubborn to take the help but the trip has exhausted me so I decide to jump on. He easily carries the twenty pound turkey and myself into the house with ease and places the turkey on the counter. He obviously has still been taking care of himself. His right arm is helping me keep steady on his back and uses it to guide me back to the floor.

I didn't realize I was gone so long. Greasy Sae is already here preparing dinner. She is glad for the meat and Peeta and her clean up the turkey to start making stew.

The day in the woods has made me dirty and I decide to go take a shower while Peeta and Greasy Sae cook. Once I am out and dressed I go downstairs, Peeta is setting the table for two and I manage to get a glance of Greasy Sae as she closes my door.

"Is she leaving?" I ask Peeta.

"Yes she said her granddaughter is not feeling well and wants to get back to her. She said she would take some stew to Haymitch on her way home." he explains.

"That stew smells so good. I am starving" I go sit down at the table and start putting spoonfuls on my plate and grab a roll. Peeta sits across from me.

"I started to get worried about you. I came over after making the bread and rolls and you were gone." he admits.

"It felt so empty in here after you left so I went hunting and lost track of time. Sorry I didn't realize it was this late. Bringing back the turkey took longer than I wanted. I should have left a note." I confess.

"You can always call me if you want too. My number is by your phone. Just so I know you're safe." This reminds me of the last time I was gone longer than expected in the woods. When I returned to my house after being stuck on the wrong side of an electric fence while two peacekeepers waited for me to return. If it wasn't for Haymitch and Peeta I would have never been able to pull of my story. Peeta told me that he thought I ran off without him that night.

"Okay I will." A note or call isn't too much of an inconvenience on me to do next time.

"I brought a overnight bag. Are you sure about this?" he questions. Haymitch was right he is too unreliably good.

"Yes I am sure. I am actually exhausted so you can have first watch." I say as I scarf down the rest of my dinner.

"Do you have something I can look at or read while you sleep?" he asks. I didn't read much and books cost money. My mom has a few books on natural healing remedies which I don't think Peeta would want to read. The only thing we really have is the plant book.

"How about this?" I grab the book off the coffee table and present it to him.

"That will do." He grabs the book and we go upstairs to change. Me in the bathroom him in the room.


	9. The book

When I exit the bathroom Peeta is already in his night clothes lying across the bed looking at the plant book. I scoot beside him and immediately notice the pages my father wrote. His notes on plants helped me so many times in the forest. The page Peeta's is turned to shows the Nightlock berries. The berries that started everything. He is staring intently at the sketch of the berries. I think he is about to talk about the first games but he surprises me.

"You can tell your father spent a lot of time defining every detail about all the plants." he says.

"My mother helped too. The whole family and their friends worked on it. They wanted to create a resource so no one would forget what plants can be used to eat, for healing and which ones need to be avoided. " Looking at the book now reminds me of a time long ago. When my mother was full of life, her and my father working on the book at the table, their friends coming over to contribute their knowledge and experiences.

"It was really good idea for them to write it all down. Information by word of mouth and memories can be easily misinterpreted or forgotten, but the words written in this book will last forever." Peeta says and he is right. Our plant book has been used by many people including myself. After the accident I would read the book over and over because it was the closest thing besides my father's jacket that I had of him. The pain of losing him at the time was unbearable and I would of never of thought I would have to face that same pain over and over again. I've lost so many people dear to me, they should have a lasting legacy too like the plant book.

"I want to create one." but I will need more paper. It will take more than what I found under the table. Where could I get more paper? I am sure Effie would send me whatever I wanted but I am not ready to talk to her. I wonder if Dr. Aurelius would send supplies if I call him tomorrow?

"Create a plant book?" Peeta questions.

"No I want to create a memory book about all our friends and family that we lost. A book which contains all of our stories together." Most of them died because they knew me or helped me and it would be a crime if they were forgotten.

"I could draw their pictures if you want." Peeta offers.

"Yes, thank you" This idea has provided me some peace and the events of the day have left me exhausted. I spread my body out while moving under the sheets next to Peeta.

"I will wake you up in a couple hours. Get some sleep." He puts down the book, wraps his arm around my body, pulling me close to his side and starts to stroke my hair. Before I even realize I am asleep Peeta is gently rubbing my back to wake me. My spot is in the corner by the door where I promised to stay until it's his turn to wake up. Peeta has taken the liberty of installing the lock already on the door while I was out hunting. It feels like we are taking watch again. The way we used to; in the games, in the quell and in the war. However, this time it is from ourselves. Peeta doesn't trust himself around me and I can't trust myself without him near. It seems we will never get to place where we don't have to be on guard.

Peeta finally looks relaxed as he sleeps. He has been trying too hard to be in constant control of his feelings and emotions around me. His fear of having an episode is going to cause him to have one if he can't learn to trust himself. His sleep is restless so I decide to let him sleep longer than we discussed when Peeta's suddenly sits up. He starts frantically looking around the room desperately trying to find something and as soon as he met eyes with me his body immediately relaxed.

"Hey" I say.

"Hey." We sit quietly for a couple minutes until he asks, "What time is it?" as he rubs the back of his neck.

"A little past 4. I let you sleep longer you needed the rest." I start to get up and walk towards the bed.

"Thanks. If you want to sleep now you can." He holds his arms out to me and I get under the covers and move towards them. Now that I have Peeta's warmth around me again I don't think I ever want to let it go.


	10. Routine

Morning arrives and I call Dr. Aurelius telling him about the idea for the memory book. He thinks it is a wonderful plan and ensures he will send paper on the next train. Peeta and I use the paper I found in the living room to start. He makes sketches and places my favorites as the person's picture. I write our memories and details of each person on each page. Even Haymitch starts to come over more and offer his insight. This routine continues for awhile. Peeta and I taking turns sleeping. Peeta baking. I hunt. We eat dinner with Haymitch most nights if he isn't too drunk.

Then one night I am curled up on the couch next to Peeta while he sketches pictures of Cinna. We fall asleep together slumped on the couch. A cramp in my neck wakes me up first and I try to wake Peeta gently by whispering in his ear. At first the sounds from his mouth are gentle humming sounds. However, after I stop calling his name he starts to talk in his sleep.

"Katniss, where are you" he mumbles.

"I am right here Peeta." I say directly across from his face.

"Katniss" he calls out my name again. He sounds worried. Frantic.

My hands slowly shake his shoulders as he continues on, "Please. I can't find you. Where are you? Don't leave me? I love…." Peeta opens his eyes, he starts to flail around not fully aware of his circumstances. His eyes immediately go dark and he grits under his breath. "Katniss move away from me."

"Peeta it is okay you are back in District 12. We fell asleep on the couch. I tried waking you but you were in a nightmare." I keep my words calm and quiet, trying not to startle him. I don't move I want to show him that he won't hurt me.

"Katniss, plea..s..e…..I can't control myself." Peeta grunts, his body is all tense. I can see almost every vein in his biceps.

"Yes you can Peeta. You are doing it right now by trying to get me to leave." I move closer to him. I know I am testing fate but it needs to be done. I need to push the limits to show him he won't hurt me anymore. I position myself inches from his face straddling his legs with my own. His eyes are closed and I didn't think it was possible but his body gets more rigid with my presence so close.

"Peeta look at me. It is okay. Those memories are not real, not real Peeta. Come back to me." I place my hands on his face trying to get him to look at me, but he squints harder.

"Katniss, stop I don't want to hurt you."he continues to say between gritted teeth. "I am afraid that if I open my eyes I'll snap." he admits.

My mind goes back to the Capital when I was able to kiss him and he pulled himself out of the episode. I wonder if it would work again. I don't want him to be afraid to be alone with me and I can't truly understand why I know, but I just know he won't try to hurt me anymore. At least I hope that I am right and not just being suicidal. Peeta's face doesn't relax at all when I lean forward and press my lips against Peeta's tightly pursed lips.


	11. Revelations

***** This chapter has a bit of cocky Peeta. He forcefully advances on Katniss but it is not against her will. I just thought I would place the disclaimer.******

It takes a few seconds before he even realizes what I am doing. He brings a hand to my neck and his other to my back and pulls me away slowly.

"Katniss" he whispers. "Please stop I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't. Open your eyes Peeta and look at me."

"I can't. I'm scared. If I ever hurt you again I couldn't live with myself Katniss. It would break me." he says.

I push back towards his lips despite his attempt to hold me back. He mumbles again that he is close to losing control and begs me to stop, but I keep kissing him. Suddenly his body relaxes and goes completely still. I start to pull away thinking that it worked that the episode has passed. His arms are tight around me not allowing me to move away from him.

"Peeta. Peeta are you okay?" I ask but he is still quiet. I start to push back, maybe I was wrong and this will be the end of it. There is no one to stop him from killing me here. Haymitch possibly but the odds of him being passed out are more likely. I am able to wiggle back enough to see his face. It is relaxed and his eyes are open but they are as black as coal.

"Is this what you want, Katniss" he says my name with a hiss.

"Is what, what I want?" I reply looking around the couch for something I could knock him unconscious with.

He doesn't reply and wraps his arms tighter around me pushing me back towards his body. This time he is the one pressing his lips onto mine. Peeta has never been the first to initiate the kiss. It is his alter ego making these moves. At least he is not trying to strangle me, but still I fight against his advances.

"Come on you know you like it. Open those lips up to me" he says smugly.

I can't kiss him like this. Peeta would be so ashamed if he knew what he was trying to do. He is gentle and strong not cocky and obtrusive. Episode Peeta is persistent and continues to press his lips around my mouth. He is able to wiggle my bottom lip from my pierced lips and to sucks and nibbles on it. A slight moan escapes my lips betraying me.

"See you like it. Stop fighting me. Open those lips up to me."

"No" I push back more. "Peeta this isn't you." I exclaim.

"Yes it is. All of this is me and it's is all for you." He lifts his hips up towards mine moving his hands to my hips and starts to rock his engorged member against the hollow between my legs. The sensation is pleasurable and I find myself rocking in tune with his movements. When he comes back to kiss me I lose all self control for a moment and surrender to his forceful advances. It takes a moment for me to come to my senses and insist that he stops if not he will be sorry.

"Sorry! I am not going to be sorry. You like it. You know you like it. You want me. You have always wanted me. Now stop fighting me and let me have all of you." He moves his hands to the hem of my shirt and starts to remove it. I can't let this continue. Peeta would be ashamed and I am not ready for any of it. My shirt is half way up when I decide to slap him across his face. A gesture as stupid as the berries that will probably of cost me my life.

The side of his face is red from the mark my hand left. He grabs my arms and places them at my side and moves to get up with me still on his lap. I fall to the floor and breaking my fall with my arms. His eyes are still black as he walks to the chair. I continue to lie on the floor watching him as he squints, shakes his head and squeezes the chair. After ten minutes he lifts his head and looks at me.

"What were you thinking?" he screams.

"I wanted to prove to you that you wouldn't hurt me and you didn't." I imply. My face is red and I raise my knees to my chest. I am ashamed of how I reacted to Peeta's tracker self. It is true. He didn't hurt me but he wanted me. Wanted me in a way a man wants a women. I am ashamed because I liked the things he did to me.

"What happened after you kissed me?" He questions. "Did I try to hurt you? Is that why you slapped me? What were you thinking kissing me like that! What if... what if I" the words keep rambling out of his mouth.

"Peeta stop it!" he is working himself up too much. I was ashamed of liking what happened but now I am just angry. He didn't hurt me but he wasn't himself. He is upset that I kissed him but not that I slapped him. What! "You're angry I kissed you! You didn't seem so angry when you were kissing me back!" I scream.

"I kissed you back?" he looks confused.

"Yes." I lower my head and hug my knees. He doesn't want to kiss me. I forced myself on him and he is angry with me. Of course his alternative self wanted to kiss me he is everything Peeta isn't.

He comes to my side and kneels beside me. "I am mad that you kissed me." he says. His words validate my fear and a pain in my chest follows. I can't breath and feel a heavy weight upon me. Peeta puts his hand on my shoulder and continues to speak. "Katniss, I am mad because of the risk you took while I was so close to going over the edge, not because of the kiss itself." He cups my chin and brings my face up to meet his.

"It worked before. I thought it would work again, but then" I trail off remembering the actions that Peeta did, the actions he would be ashamed of. The thought of it brings warmth between my legs.

"But then what?", Peeta urges for me to continue. "Katniss, what did I do? You said I kissed you back, but I didn't hurt you?"

"No you didn't hurt me, but you weren't you though."

"How so? Please tell me, I don't remember. I need to know everything that happened. " Peeta cries out seeking the truth.

"Everything?" I quiver and my cheeks blush red again. Peeta just stares at me utterly confused. He probably couldn't guess what happened in a million years if he tried. The thought makes me giggle.

"Katniss, please." he pleads. I promised I would be honest with him when he first arrived so here goes nothing.

"You were all tense and I kissed you. At first you stayed that way but after a few minutes you body relaxed and I thought I pulled you out of it like before, but…." I take a deep breath.

"But then you grabbed my neck" Peeta's eyes sadden and become moist as I pause to continue about how he pulled me in to kiss me.

"You said I didn't hurt you. Why did you lie? I tried strangling you again." He says each word slowly, like with each word spoken a piece of his heart is torn out.

"No..no you didn't hurt me" he sighs. "You placed your other hand along my back and pushed me towards you. Then.." he may of not hurt me but how is he going to react to what he did do?

"Then what? Katniss why are you dragging this out? If I didn't hurt you what else could I have done to you?" Peeta has no clue what his tracker jacker succumbed alter ego is capable of or of what it wanted.

"You kissed me. Okay" I spit out. Embarrassment plastered on my face.

"I kissed you, but I didn't hurt you?" he sounds relieved but still not convinced.

I nod yes. He moves his hand from my chin. We are sitting side by side on the floor and his hand drops beside me. I lower my arms to where our hands are within centimeter and stretch out my legs.

"What made you slap me then? Was it because I kissed you?"

"No I didn't slap you because you kissed me." I find his question amusing and can't help laughing aloud.

"What is so funny?" Poor Peeta ever since he woke up he has endured some type of struggle and I am here laughing and being kryptic making it worse.

"I slapped you because you tried removing my shirt. At first I tried to fight you. Your eyes were black and I knew it wasn't you, but you were very persistent. Finally, I surrendered and kissed back. We continued to kiss until something I did intensified your advances towards me and I knew I had to stop you or you would feel ashamed later so I slapped you." I provided him most of the truth without too many details that should be enough for him to feel better about what happened. Peeta is quiet next to me, maybe contemplating what I told him. I know he didn't hurt me but I am sure he will not be happy with his actions nonetheless.

"What did you do?" Peeta asks.

"Huh." unsure of what he is asking.

"You said that I intensified my advances after you did something. What did you do?" Oh I can't tell him I moaned, that I liked what tracker jacker Peeta did to me. I have to leave this conversation, this room. I rise to stand to walk away, maybe run, but Peeta grabs my arm and pulls me down to his lap. This action is unlike him. It's more like the other him. I search his eyes to see if they are black but instead I find blue eyes staring at me.

"Are you going to tell me what you did? It can't be that bad." He continues to stare me down.

"No. Let me up." I demand. I start to stand up again but Peeta holds me tightly in place with his strong arms.

"Come on you can tell me." he smirks like he already knows.

"Do you remember!" my eyes widen, my face blushes and I start to shake in anger.

"Not until after you told me the majority of what happened, but yes I remember now what caused me to lift up your shirt." he releases his grip on me. I immediately stand up and run to the room. Peeta leaves me alone. The house is quiet. He must of returned to his house. I don't know why I was so taken back when we talked about what happened or when Peeta remembered my moans and the reciprocation of our grinding hips. He seemed to enjoy the memory. He didn't seem to recoil the way I thought he would.

I decide to go downstairs to find something to eat when I see Peeta on the couch with the papers sketching. He sees me and frantically grabs the sketches besides him and places them behind his back.

"I thought you went home." I say trying to get a glance at one of the drawings.

"Do you want me to?" he asks.

"No. What were you sketching?" I walk closer rotating my head around his back. He moves the sketches to the side.

"Nothing." he brings them to his chest when I move to the other side.

"Peeta why are you trying to hide them. Show me." I grab for one but he doesn't loosen his grip.

"You're not going to like them." he assures me and moves towards the kitchen.

"I don't care. I don't get why you are hiding them. You never hidden your art from me no matter how much I hated the pictures of the games you drew." I insist.

"These are not from the games." he says timidly.

"Then what?" he lets me grab one from him. I look at it and grab the others and spread them across the table. Each one are of us when we were on the couch. Me on top of him, kissing, his hands around my waist. I am speechless. The girl in the picture is beautiful even with the scars that trace up her back. There is a confidence in both of us with our bodies intertwined detailed in pencil.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't get the image out of my head and I thought drawing them would help." Peeta starts to gather the pictures and puts them in a drawer and moves toward me. "Katniss say something" he urges. I didn't realize I am still standing staring at the now empty table.

"That's not how you see me?" I question.

"What do you mean, that's not how I see you? He moves closer and I lift my head to see his face.

"The picture you drew. You enhanced my features compared to what they really are? Why?" I ask unsure why he would draw me so beautifully with my scars, when the way my scars look now do not enhance my appearance.

"No I didn't. Katniss that is how beautiful you are. Honestly, my pictures still don't do you justice." he steps closer.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore and if I see them again I am throwing them away."

"Katniss now that is uncalled for." Peeta scolds me like a child.

"I mean it." I stand tall trying to show I am determined to follow through. The pictures bring back memories of the episode that are now more confusing for me and it is better for them to be out of sight then to bring up the constant memory.

"Okay I will move them. Are you happy?" I just stand there quietly, in proximity of Peeta and the table.

Peeta moves his hand to my arm and says, "I want to apologize for earlier." he says genuinely. Why can't he just leave things alone. I have talked about it enough for one day.

"It's over. Let's just forget about it." I say. Peeta senses my uneasiness and starts to rub my arm up and down.

"You don't even know what part I am sorry for." he protests.

"Fine. What are you sorry for?" I say not caring about his response just wanting to end this conversation.

"After you told me what happened and I started to remember I should have been ashamed of myself, but I wasn't. I was only sorry and jealous that I didn't do it and it was tracker jacker Peeta who had all the fun and pleasure of seeing you react towards me like that."

"What, that's what you are sorry for! That person wasn't you. My Peeta is gentle and wouldn't force himself on me like that." I exclaim.

"Kind Peeta also never received that much of a reaction from you before either." he says confidently.

"Is that what you are worried about? My reactions from previous times." I am appalled. "It's not like we didn't have a lot going on then and we didn't really have the opportunity. Plus I wasn't sure how I felt about you then, it's not like it is now." What am I saying. Do I know how I feel about Peeta now? Sure I liked kissing him and I could of tried other ways of pulling him out of that episode but I chose to kiss him first. This whole day is driving me crazy.

"Like how it is now?" his eyes widen with his question and he moves closer. His mouth within inches of mine and whispers, "Are you saying you have feelings for me, Katniss?"

"Maybe earlier but now no" I admit petulantly.

Peeta doesn't respond. He smiles at me and brings his mouth down upon mine. I am still angry with him so I resist mildly, but he wraps his arms around me to pull me closer. I relinquish my fear and kiss him back this time not for the cameras, not for him, but for me. For me to feel his biceps form around my arms, to feel his firm lips, and his chiseled body pressed against mine.


	12. Kisses

We continue to kiss in the kitchen intertwined in each other embraces. Peeta moves his hands to my thighs and pulls me up around his waist. He firmly grips each side of my ass to hold me in place. My hands move to his hair and his neck pulling him closer to my lips that desperately can not get enough of his touch. He carries me while still straddling his waist and rests me on top of the kitchen counter. He tilts my head to the side and starts to lightly kiss on my neck down toward my collarbone and back up towards my ear. My body shivers and betrays me again with a moan. Peeta breaks free and brings his hand to my cheek.

"That sound is why I had to sketch the memories out of my head. It is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I can't believe I caused it. I want to hear it again and again. Please let me hear it again." Peeta pleads breathlessly.

My cheeks flush again but this time I don't hide or try to run. "I'll allow it" I say with a smile.

Peeta smiles back and crashes back into me parting my lips with his tongue seeking entrance. I allow that too. I start to wonder how much I will allow. Each embrace, kiss, touch has me wanting more. A sensation that has consumed me like fire has started between my legs and is moving to my core. No matter how close Peeta is he isn't close enough.

Peeta senses my change of thought. "I kissed you again because I thought you allowed it. Did I cross the line?" he asks nervously.

"No it's not that. It's just this is new to me. I don't want it to go too far so fast." I hope he understands what I mean without explanation. I have shared enough embarrassing moments for today already.

He kisses my hand. "We can "

He kisses my mouth. "Go as"

He kisses my collarbone "slow as"

He kisses my neck "you want. I would never force you into anything you don't want to do. I hope you know that about me Katniss."

"I do and for now I like this" I say placing my mouth on his.

"Perhaps a little later we can get to where we left off earlier today." I insinuate about our heated moments during his episode.

"The intensity of our kiss increase at my words and his hands grip my back right above my ass. He presses his body into mine and another moan escapes my lips this time followed by a moan of Peeta's. I can understand now why he asked to cause it again in me. I want to hear him do it again. I move my lips to Peeta's neck and kiss him the way he did me. Another moan is rewarded to me, followed by my name that comes out as a whisper. Encouragement for me to continue.

A gentle suck on his collarbone is enough to get the sound I desire again. Peeta's hands move down my back and grabs my ass while he seeks entry to my mouth again with his tongue. My thighs feel his hands caressing them until he moves them back to my rear. Our tongues fight for control. I may faint if we continue on like this. I can't breath and need to control the sensation taking over my body wanting me to pull off our clothes until just our naked bodies touch. It's a thought, but before I can pull away Peeta stops the kiss and rests his head on mine. Our breaths are rapid and in sync.

"That was amazing!" he smiles. "I only dreamt of kissing you like that." He lifts me off the counter and brings me to the floor. "It's late we should get some sleep." Peeta grabs my hand and leads me up the stairs.

"We?" I inquire. He finally trusts himself to sleep at the same time as me? We did prove today that he probably will not hurt me anymore but advancing on me is another question. I would rather be woken up by advances than strangulation any day.

"Yes. If you still feel that it is safe. I think we can sleep together tonight."

"I would like that." Our hands stay interlocked until we reach my room. I grab my nightclothes from the dresser and go into to the adjoined bathroom to change. Peeta is already in the bed when I return shirtless and in his sleep pants. I can relate more to the picture he drew of me that depicted my scars as beautiful marks along my body. His scars that decorate his chest do not make him ugly but instead bring character to his cut torso and chest. I must have been staring because Peeta clears his throat and just laughs at me.

"Come here" he gestures. I nestle into his chest making him my own personal pillow. I start to think of the events of the day. Panic makes my body stiff. I admitted to Peeta I had feelings for him. The roller coaster of kisses we shared that began forced but ended with a blissful revelation. Will he expect the same behavior tomorrow? No my Peeta wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to. He is reliably patient. On the other hand, his tracker jacker form has changed from wanting to kill me to wanting my body. What would have happened if I didn't slap Peeta back into reality? Would he have forced himself upon me against my will. It makes me feel dirty for liking parts of our encounter and disgusted that Peeta remembered and himself liked what his alter ego did to me. My thoughts are interrupted with Peeta's lips pressed against my head. "We need to talk about what happened today, there is something I need to tell you, but it can wait for tomorrow. Sleep Katniss." I try but the night is long and filled with nightmares and sleep does not come. The worry consumes me into the night, but Peeta is there to comfort me and strokes my hair until I fall back asleep.


	13. Running

My arms stretch across the bed to find no resistance where Peeta's body laid next to me the night before. As I sit up, my eyes look around for Peeta but he is nowhere in sight. A faint smell of fresh bread spreads throughout the room to give away Peeta's destination. Remembering that Peeta wants to talk I grab the grey shirt and jeans that I wear hunting so I can avoid him. The only obstacle is to not get detected while leaving. Luckily, I am good at being quiet and sneak past him quite easily to the hallway where my father's hunting jacket hangs. Peeta is baking bread in his sleep pants, shirtless, and has added an apron that is caked in flour to his ensemble. Seeing him brings back the thoughts of the night before, when his hands were on my back and on my ass. He tasted of cinnamon and smelt like flour from the cookies he made earlier that day.

"Morning. Do you want to help me?" His words bring me back. I was distracted and didn't make it out to go hunt. I could run. I don't know what happened to me. Am I losing my stealth?

"Uhmmm….. Morning" I reply. Still caught off guard.

"Grab that tray over to the right of the stove for me, would ya." he gestures with his head the direction.

"I am going to go hunting. We could use more meat." my hand grabs the tray and places it to his right on the counter.

"We have plenty. You can go tomorrow." before Peeta can turn around I am already near and heading out the door. The smiling expression on his face begins to change but I do not stick around to see what to. My destination is the forest. My path is straight through the gate and I go without once looking back. The wind is blowing hard and has a mild chill, but it is not enough to convince me to return back to Victor's Village. Once I gather my father's bow I still keep in a hollowed out tree and my arrows, I check the snares for pray. The first snare encountered has a rabbit. I kneel down to loosen it and reset the trap, but my thoughts are all disorganized and I end up getting my finger stuck on the wire. It takes me ten minutes to get in unpinched. The throbbing is painful but I have endured worse. Instead of returning home I go to the lake, start a fire and cook the rabbit for breakfast. My stomach is rumbling, I ran out of the house so fast I didn't grab anything to eat.

While eating the rabbit I repeat the definite facts to myself; I am Katniss Everdeen, I am eighteen years old, I am a victor of the 74th Hunger Games, Plutarch used the Quarter Quell to start the war, Snow tortured Peeta, Peeta tried to kill me, Coin killed Prim, I killed Coin, Snow is dead.

Other facts are up for consideration; I am safe, the games are over and will never return, Gale was a part of Prim's death, Peeta loves me, I care for Peeta. Snow knew that and that is why he tortured him. Finnick told me that he could see that I loved Peeta even if I didn't know in what way myself. Was it obvious to everyone else besides me? Story of my life it seems. I do care for Peeta but my actions towards him have always been out of survival and to keep him safe. Last night was different; there was no audience. There was no excuse for why I had to kiss him, I wanted to and needed him to kiss me back.

It has gotten colder and the sound of heavy footsteps awakens my senses. The morning is over and the sun is to the west. The thoughts and facts flooding my brain zoned me out for hours. Peeta is probably worried, but first I need to figure out who is walking through the forest. I grab for an arrow and crouch behind a tree to be ready for who is approaching. This behavior is probably unnecessary. There are no Peacekeepers, the war is over, but still I decide to not take any chances. The footsteps are getting closer and I can hear my name being called out.

"Katniss" Peeta yells.

"Peeta" I return. "What are you doing out here?"

"I was worried. It is after 3 and you left so early. I wanted to make sure you were okay and that you were still here." he quickly expresses.

"Why would you think I would leave? Where would I go? I am pretty much banished here, remember."

"You ran out so quickly and you didn't return after a couple of hours. What was I supposed to think?" he replies.

"That I would come back. I was just out in the forest hunting" I put the arrow back in the sheath and start heading back to the house.

"Where are you going?" Peeta grabs my arm as I walk past him.

"Home!" I pull my arm away but his hold his firmly locked on.

"This has to stop!" Peeta says sternly.

"What has to stop, Peeta." I know what he is going to say so I don't even know why I asked. I run or ignore him every time I get scared of my feelings. Just like this morning I want to run to the house to avoid him since he is now in my forest.


	14. Together

"You trying to avoid what is going on. Come back to the house." he removes his hold on my forearm and interlocks his fingers with mine. He stares at me, trying to predict if I will refuse his offer or accept it. We stand in the forest momentarily until I move towards the direction of Victor's Village. During the journey back my stomach growls loudly.

"Have you ate?" he asks. Him worrying that I am starving, brings on a tinge of guilt. Even after I tell him about the rabbit I ate when I first entered the forest. My stomach growls again, increasing my guilt and I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking of myself first. We return the to the house in silence. Peeta walks me to the table and gestures for me to take a seat.

"I baked these earlier, eat one." he grabs a cheese bun and throws it to me. It is devoured in a matter of seconds and before I can ask for another one, Peeta is setting a plate in front of me that contains some stew and three more cheese buns. I am well into the second bun when I realise he isn't eating. Instead he is washing dishes at the sink.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I ask.

"I waited for you, but since you didn't show around lunchtime I decided to eat without you. After I finished my painting I went out to go look for you." he says never turning to look at me.

"Oh, I didn't realize it go so late." I lost my sense of time while chanting the definite and uncertain facts to myself.

"What was you doing out there, Katniss. Besides the rabbit you said you ate you have no other game from being out there most of the day. Were you trying to avoid me?" he turns around placing his hands on the sink behind him.

"Yes" I let out placing my last cheese bun on the plate. I ate so fast my stomach feels like it is going to explode.

"Why? Is it because of what happened yesterday? I thought you allowed it. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to Katniss." he comes over to the table and sits in the chair across from me.

"I do want to. I don't. I don't know. I don't know what is going on. I feel guilty to be so happy it's only been a year since the end of the war. A year since I lost, Prim." It is still hard to say her name. I know she liked Peeta and she would want me to have hope for a happy future. She wouldn't want me to run and hide, but selfishly I can't resist the urge to wallow in my own mind.

"Katniss, she would want you to live your life, to be happy." his words confirm my thoughts. It doesn't make them anymore easier to accept though.

"Happiness can be taken away." that is my biggest fear. The games coming back. Another war. Losing Peeta again.

"That is why should embrace it and cherish it, not run from it." he stands and comes and kneels in front of me, moving stray strands of hair behind my ear.

"I'm scared Peeta." finally being honest with him. It feels so refreshing, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

"I know. Me too. I don't know what the future brings but I can promise that I will be here with you. I will take care of you and will make you happy, if you allow it." he grabs my hands.

Haymitch's words come to mind. I do not deserve this man. I am forever indebted to him and do not see why he decides to stay here and put up with me, but I allow it because I can survive without Peeta but I can't live. I need him like I need air. "I'll allow it.

"Katniss, I need to tell you something and I don't want you to reply to it. Just listen to me because I have to say it. I love you. I have loved you since we were five. I want to be with you and not just be your friend. I can't promise that things will be perfect and I can't promise that I won't have anymore episodes, but I can promise that tracker jacker venom Peeta doesn't want to kill you anymore. His intentions have changed." a blush has twinged his cheeks. Although he states he didn't want a reply from me his eyes search for unsaid answers.

"What does tracker jacker venom Peeta want?" I inquire. I know Peeta loves me. I have known like everyone else for years. There are people who say I love him too and maybe they are right. I shut down like my mother did when my father died when Peeta was gone from me. I was hysterical when he hit the force field and I thought I lost him forever. Love like happiness consumes me with fear. Those who we love are the ones they take away to hurt us. The war is over and I need to stop thinking like the games and the war still continue on. So maybe I do too, but my thoughts are more intrigued on what Peeta's other self wants.

Peeta turns from me, raises from his kneeled position and stands in front of me. He grabs my hands and pulls me up to stand with him."He wants you Katniss but doesn't have the same love as I do for you."

"What do you mean he wants me?" I ask but I know the answer. Peeta other half expressed clearly he wanted me and wanted to be inside me. Which is worse a personality that wants to kill me or one that wants to take advantage of me.

"I think if I tell you about my recovery it will help you understand more. Do you remember me telling you Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave and that is why it took me a month to return to you?" I answer with a nod. Peeta leads me to the couch. I cross my legs on one end of the couch while he sits on the other.

"See Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me come back unless he was certain I wouldn't try to kill you again. In the beginning there was a 30% chance that an episode would hit and would lose control and become violent. It was too much of a chance to take with your safety. We tried multiple experiments everyday and the results were the same. Then we tried something he called projection therapy. They would force me into an episode and then showed the tracker jacker induced Peeta images that showed my love for you. They even mocked some videos of us in the future that displayed my wishes and desires for us." he cheeks blush and he quickly takes the pillow from the couch and places it in his lap.

"What kind of wishes and desires do you have for us?" I'm confused what images could they have showed him while in an episode that would make him blush.

"To be in a relationship with you. One day get married and watch our children play." he scoots closer to me, there is no longer a look of embarrassment in his eyes.

"Peeta I don't want children. It's not safe for children in this world." the thoughts of any child having to face what I have frightens me. I will not bring someone into this world and have them live in fear.

"Katniss, it's not the same world it used to be. The war is over. There are no more games. Children do not have to live in fear of not having enough to eat or the reaping ever again." he says in a soothing tone.

"You can't guarantee it will stay this way. Plutarch said it himself we are in the sweet period right now but what happens when that period is over? I couldn't take the risk. If you can than you should find someone else who wants to give you that." I can't. I won't and if that is what Peeta wants then he needs to leave like he should've when he first arrived.

He stands and walks a few steps from the couch takes a few deep breaths and then he locks eyes with me. His stance changes, his eyes have an intense glare. "You're right. I can't guarantee that it will stay like this, but I can guarantee that I am not going anywhere. We have each other and will continue to have each other no matter what, so quit trying to push me away." The only other time I have seen Peeta so determined, so upset is in District 11. After the man was shot and I told him about Snow and the kiss with Gale.

"So you're okay with not having kids?" this isn't fair to him. He should be with someone who can fulfill without hesitation his desires, someone who isn't so selfish.

"I am okay with it as long as we are together for now." he comes back to the couch nestling next to me.

"I am never going to want kids, Peeta not now and not later." he needs to understand that this is not negotiable.

"It's not just about kids Katniss. I need to know do you even want me like that? I thought last night was great but as soon as you woke up you ran. Did you not like what we did? Do you still want someone else?" he scoots away and you can see the insecurity take over his body.

"I liked last night too. I just want you to understand that I am damaged. You're not going to get a normal life with me and if that is what you want you are going to have to move on. I want you and last night frightened me because I don't know how to do any of this, how to be with someone. I don't want anyone else. I don't know what would've happened between Gale and me if Prim didn't get picked in the reaping. I never thought about things like that I was too worried about feeding my family. Gale would've probably given up on me after awhile." It's the truth I didn't even realize Gale had feelings for me until after I came back from the games. I don't know if it is because he was indirectly involved in Prim's death or that my feelings just changed but I do not have feeling towards Gale in that manner, not the way I do for Peeta. Gale's fire added to my own would suffocate me.

Peeta, however, breathes life into me. I would hate for Peeta to move on, because I need the calm and peace he brings to me. He reminds me of sitting out in the forest during spring. I would watch the dandelions while the warm breeze tingled my skin. I would sit there mesmerized by the beauty and feel relaxed amongst all the turmoil going on.

Peeta laughs at me. "Katniss, you are so blind. Gale is probably still waiting now."

"Don't laugh at me. He is not, plus it doesn't matter anyways." I cross my arms around my body. People always laugh at my pureness or inability to see what is front of me.

"You're right it doesn't matter. I want to kiss you." his insecurity from earlier is gone. A smile forms across his face and he closes the space between our bodies.

"Wait! What you… so you are going to stay and you're okay with not having kids?" his confession has me on edge. We didn't really settle anything and I never figured out if I should be worried about tracker jacker Peeta.

"Ya.. ya.. I am staying. I am damaged too. We can be damaged together. Let's just take it one step at a time and I think the first step is for us to kiss."


	15. Confidence

Before I can utter a response he closes the gap between us, placing his lips on top of mine with heated authority. His tongue moves along my lips seeking entrance while his hand caresses the back of my neck. I relinquish to his tongue, and I'm rewarded with him sucking my lower lip into his mouth. A gentle bite follows that causes me a moan to escape into his mouth.

The intensity behind this kiss is different. His demeanor is similar to when hijacked Peeta's advanced on me, like he owned me and wanted to take what is his. This isn't an episode though, this is all my Peeta, his hands move slowly to my breasts. I take in a deep breath, which causes him to hesitate, he rests his hands waiting for my response.I provide approval with a passionate kiss, his hands quickly start to caress my breasts over my shirt. He gently pinches around my nipples with his fingers causing sensations within me that I never new existed. I take his hand in mine moving them to the hem of my shirt.

"I'm sorry. I got carried away." he says panting.

"I am not stopping you." I whisper in his ear as I continue moving his hand under my shirt and back up the direction to my breast.

"" " he muffles and hastily removes my shirt, throwing it to the ground.

His hand continue to touch my breasts, this time over my bra. While kissing me he squeezes and caresses my supple mounds, pinching and rolling my nipples through the fabric of my bra. I am contemplating removing it so I can feel his skin on my own when his hands move abruptly to my waist.

"Ummmm. Ughhhh" Is all I can manage. I want to tell him to go back. There is a sensation of heat in between my legs, it is unfamiliar, but I can't fight the urge that I want the heat quenched.

Peeta lifts me and lowers me straddling his lap. "Ahhh" I say a little too loudly. Peeta smirks and pushes my hips farther down upon his own. I can feel him hard underneath me. His member is centered between my legs and it intensifies the heat radiating from my core. I find myself wanting to rock against his body. His hands move to the back of my bra and he glances at me for permission. Forgetting how to speak I answer with a nod. Peeta removes my garment, lowers it to the ground with my shirt and leans back to take in the view of his unveiling. My cheeks redden and my arms move to cover myself but he stops me by grabbing my hands.

"Uhuh.. I want to see you. You're beautiful. Don't deny me what I have dreamt about forever." his words shock me. I don't see myself as beautiful, not with all my burns and scars. However, Peeta's reflection of wonder shows me otherwise. My hands go to the sides allowing him his view. His head moves towards me. I go in to return the kiss, but instead collide with his forehead.

"Ow!" I whimper. He laughs at me but continues to his destination. Suddenly my whole body tingles, his mouth is enclosed around my right nipple. A low deep moan brings me to leans my head back. Peeta starts to suck in response, while his hand moves to my other breast. His actions are not only arousing me, he is getting harder between my legs and the heat radiating from me is getting more difficult to ignore. The pressure of his length between my legs pressed against my center only causes momentary relief and my body starts to rub against him seeking release.

"Oh my..ughhh"A moan escapes around my breast from Peeta. "Katniss we are going to have to slow down. If we continue on I may not be able to stop myself." he says breathlessly against my nipple.

"Stop what?" but then I realized afterwards what he meant. His pants are stretched tightly around his penis. It is rock solid between my legs and the rocking movement I do only make me want more but with less clothing in between us.

He smiles at me, places a sweet deep kiss on my lips and slowly lifts me off of him. He reaches down to grab my my clothes and places them in my hand. His hand rests a gently on my shoulder. "Let's go to bed. You go up I will meet you there in a couple minutes. I am going to finish some things down here first."

I go up stairs not bothering to put back on my clothing. I place the shirt and bra in the dirty clothes and grab a tank top and a pair of cotton shorts to sleep in. I go to the bathroom and slip on the tank. I can feel the fabric against my breasts that are still aroused from the encounter downstairs. My attire is different than what I normally sleep in and it makes me wonder if I changed it to feel more of Peeta's skin on my own. The heat between my legs has not left and thinking of Peeta laying next to me with only this thin tank and shorts between us intensifies it.

I lower my jeans but before I put on my shorts I place my fingers in between my legs wondering if it feels as hot to the touch as it feels within. The mild pressure provides little relief to the fire burning deep inside me. Deciding to experiment further I press my fingers in between my legs, this time underneath my underwear. Discovering that moving my fingers up and down my lips increases my satisfaction I start to place one finger inside. The feeling is indescribable of the pleasure it brings on, but I am stopped abruptly when I hear Peeta coming up the stairs. I frantically get up and wash my hands, take a few deep breaths and head towards the bed.

"Ready" he asks. What is up? He seems calm and relaxed while I feel all hot and flustered. He removes his shirt and shorts leaving only his boxers while he goes to his drawer to grab his sleep shorts. He joins me in the bed and turns off the light grabbing my waist to bring in me into his body. My leg overlaps his and I am sure he can feel the heat from in between my legs. My arm stretches across his chest and my breast rest against his side. I didn't bother to put my bra back on so I am sure he feels my breast unrestrained on him. His hands move up and down my back starting at my bottom and working to my the side of my breast. When he gets to the bottom he slowly squeezes my ass cheek in his fingers before moving his hand upwards to slowly caresses the side of my breast. The fire is still burning inside me and his touch is making it unbearable. My body needs release now.

"How are you so calm?" I say angrily.

"Huh?" he questions, moving to the side to look at me closer.

"Nevermind good night" I turn my back to him. Embarrassed that I would even ask such a thing. He has made me all flustered. I can't think straight.

"Ohhhh. I umm. Hey look at me!" He grabs my shoulder and rolls me back towards him.

"I, well, you know." he replies. "I couldn't think straight and didn't want to push you to go any farther but I needed to finish so that's why I stayed downstairs a little longer." he says. His face is slightly pink.

The thought of his penis and him masturbating causes my face to turn red. The fire within me is spreading from my thighs to my head. I guess I will never stop being pure. I try to turn back over but Peeta's arm is blocking me from doing so.

"I can help you if you want." he says with a smile. He starts to lightly run his fingers up and down my thigh. The fire starts to return to my center and I can't even remember why I was mad.

"Help me with what?" I inquire.

"Help you finish ,if you need it, like I did." he gently moves his fingers down my thigh towards my center and stops within centimeters of my slit. He gently presses his fingers against my shorts. My body calls out for him to touch it more. My hips lift off the bed bringing his fingers closer.

"Please" I whimper. What has come over me. I am succumbed to these feelings that Peeta brings to me and crave more.

Peeta slips his fingers inside my shorts and softly moves up and down my slit similar to what I did in the bathroom. My hips move in synchronization with his fingers, he takes his free hand starts to caress my breast under my shirt. His fingers move to my clit, he provides a little pressure and rubs a circular motion before taking his finger and sliding it inside me. My body starts to rock faster against his hand. He rubs my nipple in between his fingers while rubbing my clit and inserting a finger with his other hand. I feel him start to kiss my neck and he removes his fingers from me.

"Uhh.. please" I whimper and beg him to come back. I can feel a wetness seep onto my panties. He smiles kisses me deeply and interlocks his fingers to press two inside me at the same time. He lifts my shirt and goes back and forth from biting and sucking my nipple. My body starts to convulse and shake. Peeta moves his fingers faster inside me, a rolling sensation relinquishes the continues his motions with the same motions as my body until I come to a rest, panting and moaning, back arched against the bed.


	16. Returning the favor

*****Hopefully you guys like back to back M chapters. If not it is going to get intense for the next couple chapters but then will slow back down a bit. Hope you enjoy the chapter and the story so far.*******

**Peeta removes his fingers from me bringing them to his mouth, one by one he sucks off my juices. I look away wondering why he would do such a thing. My face is flushed with embarrassment from what just transpired. I pull down my shirt and read adjust my shorts. Peeta senses my unease and uses his hand to guide my face back in the direction of his.**

**"** **Katniss don't be embarrassed. I liked pleasing you. Didn't you like it too? " he says laying a gentle kiss on my forehead.**

**I nod. The new sensations that my body has experienced beats starving or pain any day. However, the thought of Peeta seeing how much I enjoyed his fingers inside me makes me feel timid. Expressing how much I liked his touch will not happen tonight. Instead I rest my head on his chest. His heartbeat lulls me to sleep.**

**No nightmares disrupt my sleep and I awake rested to an empty bed. The smell of bread alerts me to Peeta's whereabouts. I lay thinking about the night before trying to center my thoughts. The intense feelings of pleasure has projected a sense of calm over my body. Yet, I feel frustrated that I get so taken back and embarrassed while Peeta seems to gets more confident. Deciding to move on with the day I grab clothes from the dresser, jump in the shower, get dressed and join him in the kitchen.**

**He is humming a tune Effie used to play on the train while mixing batter for cookies. His face lights up at the sight of me, but he doesn't say a word. Instead he watches me like one would an animal, his eyes darting back and forth between me and the door. There is a tint of sadness forming underneath his expression. When I realize he is expecting me to flee. It is what I have always done before, but this time I don't want to run into the woods. I go and join him by the counter.**

**"** **Need any help?" I inquire. He shows me how to make the next batch of cookies, but we decide after multiple messes that I should stick to hunting and he should stick to baking. He asks me to take two loafs of bread to Haymitch while he ice's the cookies that just cooled down. I reluctantly oblige, hopefully he will be passed out so I can just leave them on the table.**

**I knock on Haymitch's door, he doesn't answer so I enter and head towards the dining room. I place the bread on the table and turn around to go back home when I am startled.**

**"** **What's that sweetheart?" he asks. He is hiding in a chair in the corner trying to escape the rays of light.**

**"** **Peeta made you bread." I say shortly. Even though Haymitch comes over for dinner every now and then I haven't really warmed up to him as a person. Perhaps it's because he is a reminder of what I would become if I didn't have Peeta.**

**"** **Oh how sweet. I always said he was a good boy." I roll my eyes to his response. He always liked Peeta more than me. It probably drove him crazy that Peeta insisted he try to keep me alive during the first games. My body shivers at the thought and I am unsure if it is from the reminder or because it is as cold as outside in his house.**

**"** **Why don't you have a fire going? It is freezing in here."**

**"** **My drinks keep me warm." he swirls around the clear liquid from the bottle in his hand and takes a drink. A dozen empty bottles surround his chair.**

**"** **So would a fire." I pile wood and timber in the fireplace and light it. "You think you can manage adding wood to this in an hour or do I need to send down Peeta to babysit you?"**

**"** **I don't need no babysitter." he grumbles and passes out in his chair. Grabbing the blanket off his couch I cover him and head back to my house.**

**Peeta has made breakfast and it is sitting at the table. I join him and tell him about Haymitch. He states he will go check on him in the afternoon to make sure he has kept the fire going. We work on the book for a while, then Peeta paints while I go in the other room to make a call. My mom kept hinting for me to tell her if Peeta and I decided to get more serious. I never thought anything of it until now. I am not ready to discuss my intentions with my mother. Instead I call Annie. It is easier to ask her than to call my mother. She is so kind and thoughtful, such the opposite of what Finnick was. **

**We have talked on and off over the last couple months. She carries on about Kai, Finnick's and her son. I am happy for her, but mostly sad. She tells me what to request that will prevent me from getting pregnant.**

**I order the pills in time for them to be sent on the next train. I go back out to see if Peeta is done painting. He is sitting on the couch fidgeting with the paint on his fingers. He hasn't noticed me staring at him, but I have just realized how handsome he truly is. His golden hair has grown out a few inches since his return, but his face is silky smooth. He is only wearing short and I can see the definition in his arms and chest. I move closer, straddle him and place sensual kisses from his neck up to his lips. He moves his hands up and down my back then to the back of my head and brings me down upon his lips. We passionately kiss, touching each others bodies. I can feel him get hard underneath me and like yesterday I start to rock back and forth along the length of his penis. Instead of stopping me he presses on my shoulders to deepen the contact.**

**"** **How did you calm yourself yesterday?" I whisper in his ear.**

**"** **I went to the bathroom and finished." he says in between kisses.**

**"** **Can I return the favor?" I stand up momentarily and kneel in front of him. Moving my hand towards his shorts. His eyes answer, they are full of desire and excitement. He nods and for once he is speechless. Quickly he removes his shorts and boxers and unlike when we were in the river, in the games, I look at what he has to offer. It is erect, rock hard but soft to the touch. I take my hand and gently move my fingers up and down from the base to the head. I am awarded with a moan. Peeta's head leans back to the back of the couch. I then squeeze my whole hand around his girth and move up and down slowly. Unsure of what I am doing I use his responses to get a feel for what he likes and doesn't. I squeeze harder while moving up and down at a faster pace. He starts to move his body in sync to the motions of my hand.**

**"** **I am go..inggg toooo cummmmmmmmmmm" he mutters with a deep groan, while white liquid shoots from him. He is breathing heavily. The experience has made me wet as well. My body feels sensitive and is desiring his touch. He cleans up and grabs his shorts and my hand. He leads me to the bedroom and lays me on the bed.**

**"** **I never thought this would happen." he says kissing my neck and then lifts my shirt to expose my breasts. He gently kisses the skin bulging out my bra. "It's more than I could ever hope for." He removes my shirt and bra without hesitation from me and continues to kiss and nibble on my nipples.**

**"** **Can I remove your pants? I want to taste you again." he says while taking his tongue and licking around my nipple. I remove my pants waiting for him to enter his fingers like yesterday. He sucks on my nipple hard and moves his hand to spread my legs open. I keep waiting for his fingers to enter and bring me pleasure again but instead he kisses my stomach and moves his body lower until his head is in between my thighs. My body jerks when his tongue makes contact with my slit. He looks up to make sure everything is alright but is responded with me grabbing his head with my hand and returning it to its previous position. I feel a smile form but it is soon followed by a slow lick from the bottom of my folds to my clit. This sensations is unbelievable. My body is hypersensitive to my surroundings and there is a burning fire rising inside me.**

 **He moves his tongue in circles and up and down and then slides it inside me. My hips raise up and he uses his hands to bring me closer and prevents me from escaping his clutches. He brings his tongue in and out a few more times and then slowly starts to suck on my clit. He keeps me in his grasp with one arm while his other inserts a finger in and out at a quicker pace then his tongue. My hips are moving involuntarily out of control against his face. I start to scream his name he responds by sucking harder on my clit and inserts a second finger, moving it in and out. It is too much to bare I take my hands and try to move him away, but he continues on. I scream louder and start to shake.**

 **He lifts his face from my thighs, licks his lip and stands from the bed. He has become hard again. He takes his hand that he used to finger me with and scoops up some of my juices. The touch causes my whole body to spasm. He then wraps his hand around his cock and masturbates in front of me. I am too blown away and satisfied to get embarrasd. I watch they way he moves and squeezes his hands around his girth and the pace he goes up and down his length. In no time he is finished and crawls into bed.**


	17. Real

We're both naked but don't bother grabbing our clothes. His arms don't leave me as he covers us with the blanket. I lay my head on his chest while he begins to stroke my hair. This moment feels so… I can't really think of the word to describe it. It is beyond anything I have ever felt before. Perhaps this is the definition of perfect. My breathing is in tune with his heartbeat, a lullabilic rhythm that soothes me towards sleep.

"Katniss" he whispers. His heartbeat quickens.

"Yes" I say with within a yawn. The word comes out barely coherent. Sleep is taking me over and my eyelids feel heavy.

"You love me, real or not real?" he asks hesitantly. His hand pauses from stroking my hair and his whole body is tense while waiting for my response.

"Real" I reply without hesitation. I am delighted behind the confidence in my these moments cause an opposite reaction than what I am now experiencing.

I wait for the worry and alarm to come over me. Instead, I am consumed by a feeling of contentment. My body and mind have never felt anything like this before. Peeta doesn't say anything perhaps he is in shock, as myself, to why I haven't started running away. He presses a long sweet kiss on my forehead. I can feel his smile forming against my face.

The morning light shines through the room. I am still wrapped tightly in Peeta's arms, my face buried in his chest. I can feel his eyes on me. I open my eyes and lean back to look upon his face. He's smiling, it almost appears like he is glowing against the morning light. His stare makes me feel self conscious especially when I remember that we are naked under the sheet. My cheeks flush.

I lie still, waiting for him to make the first move. He laughs at my innocence while he gets up, leaving me covered in the blanket and heads to the bathroom. His erection shows but he doesn't try to conceal any of his body from my sight. I hear the shower start and sigh, relieved that I now have time to think by myself about last night. I confessed to Peeta that I love him, sure like every other secret in my life everyone knew I loved him before I knew myself. But even with Snow torturing us I never truly accepted the truth until last night. The part that freaks me out the most is that how tranquil I feel after finally confirming my feelings.

My train of thought is immediately disrupted when he strolls out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He doesn't say anything while he rummages through his clothes, but he keeps sneaking glances in my direction. When I look back, you can tell that he trying not to, but he can't stop grinning. His reaction makes me giggle. I try to cover my mouth hiding this bizarre behavior, but it's too late. I didn't think it was possible but his smile widens. What has come over me?

I head to town to pick up our supplies from the train. Peeta stays behind to bake bread. Orders for his services increase daily. I will probably have to help him soon just so he can keep up with the demand. The thought makes me laugh. No one would want any of the bread I make, maybe Greasy Sae's granddaughter could help instead. She visits frequently and is always asking to help. Peeta is a willing teacher but we could pay her. We each still get out monthly winnings from the games. It's more than enough than either one us need.

I am thankful that my order added to our deliveries is concealed in discrete packaging. Each train brings more residents new and old to twelve. You would think over time I would get used to people stares. They all know who I am. Most are afraid of me and keep their distance. However, every now and then one tries to make conversation but they are never rewarded with a reply. I have never been good with people anyway and don't plan on making any new friends that's always been Peeta's thing .

As the city begins to grow Peeta undeniably gets involved. One night he mentions there are talks about recreating the merchant district which would include a new bakery. Every couple Thom and him discuss the plans for the city. He even joins the clean up efforts a couple days out of the week. I, however, continue to avoid the town and the people; either staying behind at home or hunting while Peeta delivers bread and discusses the future of our district.

The days become peaceful and more routine. Peeta never brings up our last conversation of real vs not real. I start to wonder if I dreamt the whole thing. We continue to take turns pleasing each other, but never do anymore than what we have already done. Come to think about it he never initiates our encounters. He allows me to set the pace. I start to drink the concoction that Annie told me about. It is awful. I'm happy I only have to drink it once a month. It will prevent me from getting pregnant as long as I drink it the same day each month. My nights are still consumed by nightmares, but thankfully Peeta's arms and lips are there to comfort me.

The nightmares are always the same. I witness one of my friends or family dying, helpless to save them. Tonight I am back in the games, Peeta just hit the forcefield and Finnick is trying to bring him back. However, this time his heart doesn't restart. I am crying out Peeta's name begging him to come back to me. He just lies there, smoke from the impact still radiating from his body. The cannon goes off and Finnick is trying to pull me away. I grab at Peeta's hand but it's out of reach. I keep screaming "No! This isn't right. Come back to me." Finnick pulls on my arm screaming.

"Wake up! Wake up! Katniss it's a nightmare." My eyes open to Peeta not Finnick. He's alive. His arms are wrapped around me. My face is wet with tears. I lean up to look at him not believing the truth behind it. That he is alive and he is with me. My thoughts go back to that day and how I felt when I thought he was gone and never coming back. That was the night Snow realized how much I really loved Peeta and knew he could use him against me, I didn't realize it then but everyone else could. Finnick described it the best during our conversation in the bunker of Thirteen. When he confessed that he missed judged me, that he could see that I really loved Peeta even if I didn't know how much or in what way myself. All the moments over the years began to surface overwhelming me; the cave, the beach, the nights on the train enwrapped in his arms.

"I love you." I say with assurance. It is an undefiable truth that I can no longer ignore.

He is silent, shocked by my confession. His response doesn't consist of a reply of words instead he crashes his lips upon mine, kissing me feverishly. My hand trail to his face pushing him back so I can look him in the eyes. I am breathless at the sight of him, like I am truly seeing him for the first time. His eyes are watery and look upon me, full of wonderment

"I love you, too" he responds. "I have loved you since the first time I saw you." his hand lightly strokes my cheek.

My hand covers his, we stare at each other until I can't take it anymore. I need to be closer to him, my lips seeks out his. My hands move to his chest, tracing the outline of his body. I lower him to the bed, removing my shirt and place him so he is beneath me and in between my legs. Planting kisses along his neck trailing down kiss by kiss to his chest to where his waist line meets his sweats. Gently I place my fingers between the fabric and his body removing his clothing until he is fully exposed. My hands trail up and down his length squeezing from the base and reducing the pressure when I get to the top. I lower my head taking all of him in my mouth.

"Ohhh" Peeta hums. His breathing quickens. His response encourages me. I continue while making my lips create a slight sucking motion, moving up and down. A growlish grunt comes from his chest out his mouth. His hands move to my head helping me set the pace.

His erection hardens to the state of a rock inside my mouth. He leans forward moving his hands from the bottom of my back up slight scratching me in the process. His hands move to my breasts slightly squeezing and rubbing as I pick up the pace adding my hand to assist me with the length I can't reach with my mouth. His body drops back down to the bed, his hands going back to my head and he warns me that he is about to cum. I suck harder and he lets out a loud long grunt and my mouth is sprayed with his salty goodness. I swallow, wipe my mouth and am pleased with myself on the outcome. I find so much pleasure in pleasing him. He is still trying to catch his breath, but flips me to my back.

"My turn." he smiles, hastily removes my shorts and lowers his face inbetween my legs. "Umm you're so wet. So wet for me." he says as he licks and sucks my juices off my lips. It doesn't take long before I am screaming trying to escape his grasp as I orgasim into his mouth, his hands clasp my thighs tightly he has no intent on letting me go. Savoring every last piece of me. His fingers still moving in and out. The satsifaction isn't enough I want, no I need more.

"I want you inside me." I say between gasps for air.

"Are you sure?" he gets all serious. Moving his body up towards mine. "I don't have any protection. I thought about buying some but I didn't want to rush you and didn't think." he mumbles.

"I do. Well I am protected." I reply unsure of what to call it. "I have been drinking a mixture that prevents, well you know." I can't say the word. I think it would freak me out and stop me from going further.

"Really!" he says ecstatically. "But still are you sure?" his sensitive sweetness is becoming annoying. I grab for him grasping his cock in my hand.

"I'm sure" I feel him harden at my touch. I take it and lead it to my opening. He doesn't say anything more. He just stares at me with wide eyes, but his hand moves over mine and he takes over, slightly stroking his head against my slit. My hips buck up wanting it to get closer. He slowly starts to penetrate me, while his other hand moves behind my neck.

"I will go slow, tell me if it starts to hurt." he whispers in my ear. I nod too nervous to speak but assured in my decision to expand our relationship further. He kisses me slowly at the same pace as his member enters me. He just has the tip in when he moves it out and rubs it against my folds. I whimper. I want him inside me again just that little bit caused my body to shiver and yearn for more. He grins cockily while rubbing my juices around my lips then finally inserts his dick back inside me slowly pushing further. He continues this motion repeatedly each time supplying more of himself inside me than the time before.

"I want it all." I plead. My voice has a sultry sound to it that I wasn't aware I could make. He responds by steadily pressing further in me until I gesture him to stop by gripping my fingers into his hips. His body freezes after a moment I start to move my hips towards his. He returns to his former pace. My legs cross around his back when I start to think that he is going to bring the head out again. I don't think I can take anymore teasing, but he surprises me. He pulls out only to the head and then forces his body down upon me going deep inside me. "Yes. Yes. I want more. Harder" I can't even think straight I know I will get embarrassed by my action later but now I don't care. His motions get faster. The fire within me increases. I can't contain it anymore. My lips scream Peeta's name but it doesn't help release the heat that is inside me.

"I am not going to last much longer." he pants in between kisses. His hand moves in between my legs rubbing my clit. My body responds by spasming to his touch. My screams turn into heavy gasps for air. He pounds his body into me harder bringing his hands to my back, bringing me closer. His mouth lays wet wild kisses all over my neck, my breasts, my mouth. My name is loudly grunted along with some other sounds as holds me tightly against his body releasing inside me. He lowers his forehead to mine but doesn't remove himself. My body starts to shake and I don't think I will ever be able to catch my breath.


	18. Need

No nightmares disturb my sleep. I awake, still naked, entangled in Peeta's arms. His chest rises and falls under my hand. He is still asleep. I would have never imagined a year ago that it was possible for me to be happy again. I wasn't lying for the cameras on the beach during the Quarter Quell I need Peeta. His presence is like air for me without it I suffocate. My hand moves to his face, caressing it, taking in the beauty of the man that I just given all of myself to. Peeta looks to me with a wide smile on his face and what appears to be a twinkle in his eyes. We both shake our heads in disbelief.

"Last night was unbelievable." he whispers in my ear and presses his fingers gently against my cheek to move my hair from my face.

Unbelievable? There are so many feelings I am experiencing right now. I am definitely sore, relaxed and satisfied, but Peeta is right it was unbelievable. It was nothing like I ever experienced before. It makes me regret never trying to go farther during any of the nights on the train. If only I realized then what I do now. That there are pleasures that exist that can surpass the deepest lows. With a smile I reply, "Yes it was."

Peeta grabs me, moves me on top of him, and squeezes me tightly to his chest. My breast smash against his chest. His erection grows harder between my legs.

"Sorry. It's morning and your beautiful body is on top of me." he smirks at me.

My body tenses. I am too sore right now to go again so soon. He picks up on my hesitation and rolls me to his side. "How about we take showers and I'll make us some breakfast?" he inquires while his fingers slowly move up and down my arm.

"I'd like that." My stomach growls at the thought of food and we laugh when we hear it.

"We could eat first if you want." he says while still laughing.

"No. No. A shower sounds good. Would you like to join me?" I ask. Peeta looks at me in shock. I can't blame him my actions recently are nothing to what he is used to. Last night erased any remnants of pureness I had left. I am no longer embarrassed to see Peeta naked or myself to be naked around him. He has never looked at me with anything else besides amazement or sincerity. I feel comfortable around him and am no longer ashamed of my scars.

"Yes!" he exclaims. We each grab a change of clothes and head into bathroom. A look of wonderment never leaves his face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I inquire utterly confused. He takes my hand and pulls my body into his resting one arm around my back the other caressing my cheek.

"Because I love you and I have never been happier. I am going to be so disappointed when I wake up from this dream." he lowers a sweet sensual kiss to my lips.

"You're not dreaming silly." he jumps from me when I pinch his butt cheek.

"No, maybe not but all of my dreams just came true." he says and starts the water. "I am going to have to take this off to shower. Is that going to be okay?" he asks while pointing to his artificial leg.

I haven't really seen him with it off and wonder why he leaves it on while he sleeps. He is probably afraid that if he removes it will make me act all weird. I have never been found of seeing injuries but how can I turn away from this one. The loss of his leg was caused from Peeta trying to protect me. I move towards him insisting, "Yes it is fine. You can take it off whenever you need to. Do you want any help?"

"Thanks." he removes it and sits on the toilet looking skittishly at the shower. "I was so excited to join you that I really didn't think this through. I use a seat in the shower because I can't stand for too long on one leg."

"Wait one second." I quickly shout as I leave the bathroom and go into the hallway closet. A black plastic stool leans towards the back of the closet. I grab it and head back into the bathroom. "Is this it?" I place the stool in the shower. He positions himself on it and give me a thumbs up. I place myself in front of him and close the shower door.

My shower is not as big as the ones in the Capital but there is enough space for Peeta and myself. The three walls connected to the shower door each house a showerhead that rain down a faint rose scent amongst our bare bodies. I grab Peeta's soap and a washrag and start to lather his body in bubbles that smell like pine. When I get to his amputated leg I lean down and give it a kiss to demonstrate that I love every part of him. He doesn't say a word but just watches me in awe. After washing and rinsing his body with the detachable sprayer I shampoo and condition his golden curly hair.

I squeeze a soap that smells like lavender onto my washcloth and hear him clear his throat. Looking down I see that his hand outreached. I hand over my washcloth and move in closer so he doesn't have to stretch on the stool. He takes more time than needed on my breasts but washes my body. I kneel so he can reach my hair. We get dressed and head towards the kitchen. Peeta cooks while I watch and set the table. Every time my body is within inches of his he sneaks a kiss. I find myself getting closer even when I don't need to.

"So what do you want to do after breakfast?" he asks.

"Not sure. You have any ideas?" I say while moving my hand up his leg towards his member.

"Oh. I can think of a few." he smiles and gestures with his finger for me to come to him.

"What?" I playfully reply. I straddle him placing a teasing kiss upon his delicious lips that taste like cinnamon from the rolls he made us. I lick around his lips trying to get another taste. Instead I am rewarded with him getting hard in between my legs. He grabs my head and tilts it back. Kissing and licking parts of my neck that have me rocking against his length. He stands placing me on the table and removes my shirt and bra. He places tantalizing kisses on my breasts that make me arch my back wanting more.

"I am still hungry." he looks at me lustfully and removes my shorts and underwear leaving me bare on the kitchen table. He pulls up a chair, sits, and grabs my legs bringing them closer to his mouth. He gently licks my folds in a circular pattern savoring my juices that are released upon my arousal. My lips scream his name over and over as I climax.

"That's not what I had in mind, but I'll take it." I say breathlessly.

"You ready for more?" he presumptively inquires as he takes his finger and inserts it inside me.

I sit up on the table with his finger still inside me and start to remove his pants. They drop to the floor. His penis is erect and I am happy it is ready to go. Moving his hand from me I get up off the table and I take the chair and place it against the kitchen counter and then push him onto it. Straddling him I gently lower myself on top of him using the rails of the chairs for my feet and the kitchen counter for my hands. The soreness is still there but the pleasure trumps the pain. My movements start slow until I take all of him inside of me. It feels like there is more of him than last night. Peeta kisses my breasts as I continue to lower my body up and down against his erection. As my speed increases Peeta's positions his hands around my hips to help with the pace.

"Can I push you against me harder?" he pants. "If you are too sore I won't"

"Push" I take his hand and place them on my shoulders. He moves them around my back and brings his hands down on my shoulders. On the next downward motion he presses his hands down and strengthens the contact. I bite his shoulder in response and he releases a pleasurable growl.

"I'm..sorry. I won't...do it..again." he says in between kisses. He thinks he hurt me.

"Again. I want you to do it again." I demand. He follows through with the next thrusts.

"Bite me" he says huskily. I oblige on the next downward thrust. His request begins my orgasm. I continue my motions until Peeta releases inside me squeezing my body tightly against his.

The next couple of days consisted of us eating, sleeping and pleasing each other. Until Peeta reminds me that the grand opening of the bakery is in a few weeks and he should probably start working that into his schedule along with making and delivering more bread and pastries. I don't want to share him but if he doesn't make a delivery soon people may start coming here asking for bread. Better he deliver it.

The grand opening of the new merchant circle is expected to be a grand event. It is supposed to symbolize rebirth after the war. We have already received invitations and Effie sent us a letter that she would be joining and will need to stay with us.

The Victors Village is the closest Capital resembling building in all of district 12, but knowing Effie she will not be satisfied with any of it and will wonder how we have survived so long. Luckily, she will be only staying one night.

In her letter she mentioned that I will be in for quite the surprise. However, I don't know who else is expected to visit. Annie said she is staying in 4 with Kai. She asked again if we would come visit. However, with Peeta setting up the bakery I don't know when he would ever be able to get away. Hopefully, after a couple months he could trust Sarah, Greasy Sae's granddaughter, in the bakery by herself for a week. We haven't talked to Johanna in over a month so maybe she is the surprise. She never returns our calls but will call eventually to check in with us. She always does. My thoughts turn briefly to Gale, but are immediately discarded. He wouldn't return.

They want Peeta to make a speech about how twelve has grown since our return. Thankfully, I am still too unstable according to Dr. Aurelius to make any public displays so I can just stay home or hide in the bakery while Peeta speaks.

"What are you thinking about" Peeta interrupts my thoughts about Effie's letter.

"I just don't understand why Effie would say I would be surprised. Why would I be surprised about Johanna coming to twelve? At least we will be able to figure out what she has been up to since she hasn't called in a month." I say looking back over Effie's letter, like there is a clue I am missing.

"Well I hope there is no surprise. I don't like surprises." Peeta says roughly. A hint of anger takes over his body but he takes a deep breath and walks into the kitchen. He starts icing the cookies he made earlier in the day.

Somehow I don't think he is referring to Effie's letter anymore, but I don't ask. I move to the kitchen and watch him paint the cookies like they are little canvases for his art. Unlike his paintings that depict horrors I like to watch him decorate. They are so pretty and whimsical. I will miss when he does this at the bakery instead of our kitchen.


	19. Surprise

It's the day before the grand opening and we're at the train station waiting for Effie. Peeta has been extremely edgy all day. I attest it to nerves about the bakery. However, the tension has caused him to have quite a few episodes over the last couple of weeks and I worry if running the bakery will be too much for him.

Before Effie's announcement about the ceremony his episodes were random. When they did surface he would squeeze the back of our kitchen chairs or anything in vicinity. I stay close but he always insists that I keep my distance. Although, I support his wishes his eyes ravenously glaring at me tell a different story. The gaze arouses me and once the episode is over I immediately comfort him and take him inside me. His touches are soft and loving as if he is apologizing for the actions he thought but never carried out. My actions, however, become more direct and demanding using him to quench the fire that rises inside me until it fully sated.

"The bakery will do fine. Sarah and you have worked real hard. I promise I will come and visit every week." I smile playfully in his direction taking his hand in mine. He attempts a smile in return but it doesn't linger.

"It's not the bakery I am worried about, Katniss." he admits lowering his head.

"Then what has had you on edge here recently? Is it really about us being separated more?" he mentioned the other day that he was going to love having all the space to bake but he will hate being away from me so long. He asked me to help out in the bakery, but knows how much I like to avoid contact with people so he didn't press it when I refused. I had to promise to come at least once a week and hang out in the back.

"It's about your surprise, Katniss. I know it's silly but I am uneasy about Ga.." he's cut off by Effie's resounding voice singing our names. She is not hard to miss. Her outfit consists of layers of charcoal and aqua. A bit toned down compared to previous outfits. Beautiful peacock feathers outline her shoulders and heels. Beside her is Gale, in a camouflage uniform. His muscles are more defined since the last time I saw him. He hesitantly makes eye contact with me.

"Hey, Catnip" he says softly with a smile. "How have you been?" he questions, but his smile quickly fades into a frown when his glance catches Peeta's and my joined hands.

My body tenses at my old nickname. We haven't talked once since the Capital. Some friend he is, he never bothered to check on me. What did he really think would happen when he returned? That he would call me Catnip and we would go spend time in the forest like the old days? "After all this time you think you can seriously come here and talk to me like we are still close friends! You haven't tried to contact me once before now and don't call me Catnip." I say angrily.

"Katniss dear this was my idea; since Dr. Aurelius didn't clear you to speak I thought it would be good for everyone to hear Gale's story. He did after all, save many of the residents of 12 and helped them flee to 13. He is going to talk next to Peeta and show that even though Snow burnt the district to the ground the new Capital created by Paylor has restored it to be a thriving division of Panem." Effie explains. Peeta's grip tightens around my hand. I look immediately at him worried.

"Katniss, I'm sorry I have to go back to the house." Peeta quickly whispers and starts to run towards Victor's Village, leaving behind Gale, Effie and I together at the train station.

"Oh my, why I never!" Effie exclaims. "Was it something I said? No. No. He must be unwell? What about tomorrow? He will still be able to speak won't he?" she knows Peeta is always gracious and would never be rude and run off unless it was important. I scowl at her for the later comment but have to remind myself she means no harm.

"Sorry." I apologize immediately before Effie's feelings can be hurt. "I am sure he's fine, but I should go check on him. Why don't you two go to Peeta's old house and I will come get you in a few." I say as I start to run towards Peeta hearing Gale's fading questions "Peeta's old house? Where does he live now if that is his old house?"

As I approach our porch the door is ajar. Peeta is not in the kitchen or living room. I say his name softly as I head up the stairs and find him in our room crammed in the corner bunched into a ball, his legs against his chest.

"Peeta" I whisper standing in the door frame. He raises his head from his arm and my heart aches. He struggling to get grasp on reality. Pain is reflected in his eyes as he fights to remain himself. He gestures to me to stay back.

"It's coming and I will not be able to contain it this time Katniss. You need to close the door and leave the house." he pleads with me.

"No I'm not leaving you" I step inside the room and close the door. This all came on because of Gale. He knew he was coming and didn't say a word without thinking I blurt out. "Did you know Gale was coming? If so, why didn't you say anything?"

I know the timing is horrible but some heads up would've been nice. Maybe we could've prevented this episode. My first reaction to Gale was to scream at him, but I didn't feel hate towards him. I was more hurt that he never tried to contact me before today. I don't blame him directly for Prim's death but there is no doubt in my mind that Beetee and him were indirectly involved. Nevertheless, Prim wouldn't want me to blame him and would be mad at me for trying to hold a grudge. Perhaps I can try to be friends again, but first I need to help Peeta.

"It wasn't hard to assume what the surprise was. Honestly, you're so naive sometimes." he crudely replies his pupils darker than normal. The episode is beginning.

"I am not! There were so many other possibilities that it could have been. You never know with Effie. I never thought Gale would return back to 12." I should at least try control my voice. It's not helping Peeta. He stands from his stance in the corner. His eyes a dark black now.

"Why wouldn't he return, you're here!" he screams moving closer to me. "He can't have you. You're mine." he grabs both my shoulders tightly.

I don't try to escape. I caused this with my poor judgment. I need to calm him down so I agree. "You're right I am yours".

"That's right and I am going to take what is mine." he throws me on the bed. His glare is volatile and I should be scared but instead feel warmth and a familiar wetness seep in between my legs at the thoughts hidden behind his gaze. The opportunity to discover what episode Peeta wants to do to me is exhilarating. His actions are already different compared to the Peeta who is soft and gentle and thanks to Dr. Aurelius no longer wants to strangle me.

I shouldn't tempt fate but I wonder what will happen if provoke him more. "What's yours?" I raucously say.

His hands travel towards my breasts grabbing each one tightly between his fingers. "These…"

His head moves between my legs and he bites my mound through my shorts taking part of my flesh into his mouth. "…and this"

Lastly, he takes my hand and places it on his erect cock pressing against his pants. Staring at me intensely as he continues. "This is yours. It's is the only one you want and I will make you scream my name over and over again begging for it to satisfy you and for me to release in your mouth."

"How will you do that? What if I don't want to?" I tease, but I want to. This must be why Peeta is so scared to allow me near him during his episodes. He is ashamed of what this version of himself wants to do to me. It is so unlike my loving and sensual Peeta. This one is cocky and demanding and I find myself liking cocky Peeta.

"Oh are you saying you don't want it" he inquiries while moving his hand up my shorts under my panties grazing my lips. "You're already wet for me Katniss. You know you want it", he gestures for me to suck the juices off his fingers. I hesitate.

"Are you refusing me." he lascivious says in a deep tone. He grabs my waist and flips me over on the bed lifting my back so I am on my knees with my hands holding my body up.

"We will try this again." he brings his hands towards my mouth, "suck" he demands. I shake my head. This behavior is definitely new and nothing Peeta would normally try. I will surrender to his demands but am enjoying the forcefulness of him manhandling me. He takes his other hands and smacks my ass. Not too hard but enough to leave a sting. I am surprised when a moan escapes my mouth. I am really enjoying this! I move my mouth to his fingers sucking and licking the liquids off of each of his fingers.

"That's a good girl." he rewards me by caressing my left breast in his hand. Pulling and pinching on my nipple harder than he ever has. My nipple hardens against my bra and shirt. His hand goes back inside me while the other rubs the ass cheek he slapped. My hips move in sync with his fingers so I can pleasure myself more.

"Uh uh" he stops and pulls his fingers out smacking my ass. "That's my job." He brings his fingers to my mouth again. I turn my cheek away with a smile. My ass is smacked harder this time leaving a welt. The pain feels good and I whisper for him to do it again.

"What I couldn't hear you" He lowers his mouth to my ear nipping at the top. His mouth moves down towards my neck taking turns between biting and sucking.

"Again" I say shamelessly.

"What?" he starts to rub my right cheek.

"Again!" I scream and this time I am rewarded with another smack followed by his fingers inside me moving feverously. I am about to orgasm when he abruptly pulls them out and licks my juices from his fingers.

"So wet and you taste delicious. Give me another taste". He hastily removes my shorts and panties and lies on his back between my legs, clutches my waist and forcefully shoves my body on top of his face. His tongue slowly licks around my folds. Each lick causes electricity to surge throughout my body. His tongue twirls inside me only coming out to lick circles around my clit. My body begins to convulse in pleasure but before I can climax he unexpectedly stops. I moan gutturally in protest.

"My turn." He tightens his grip on my waist and lifts me off of him rotating me around 180 degrees to where my face is near his bulging erection pressing through his pants. I know Peeta is strong but I am awed at how he threw me around like I weighed nothing at all. He commands that I remove his pants and I indulge him until his erection is bare and hard in front of me and patiently wait for my next command.

"Now lick the tip" He orders and I succumb. I am rewarded with his fingers immersed inside me while his tongue licks my folds. I take his length into my mouth and start to suck. His teeth lightly nibble my clit followed by a sensual slurping kiss. "Now. Now I didn't tell you to suck. I am not finished with you yet and it is not time for you to receive my salty goodness in your mouth. "If I have to tell you again you'll be punished." He says fiercely. "Now lick"

I return to licking his head down his shaft as he goes back to fingering me his mouth sucking and licking my clit. I am too willing to be punished. Sucking harder from his base to the tip of the head, I take all of him in my mouth deep throating until my mouth can go no farther. He lets me get a few good rounds in before he bites my ass cheek. Another moan followed by a grunt is released from me.

Peeta always tried to prevent this version of himself from acting out what he has wanted to do to me. The roguish thoughts must be why he seems to be apologizing after an episode. He probably never thought that I would want the feral Peeta to punish me or that I would enjoy it. I hope that me tempting the beast inside doesn't upset him later when he comes to.

His hands grab my waist forcefully and he lifts me throwing me on the bed on my stomach. He positions himself above me and tries to lift my waist up to where I am on my knees and my hands. I resist, but it's no use he is stronger than me and eventually I am in the position he wants. "I told you I was going to punish you. You're a bad girl Katniss." He says with a smack he lines himself to my slit and forcefully thrusts inside my walls. I let out a yelp of pleasure but he pulls immediately back out. My clit pulsates in pleasurable pain.

"Please", I plea, wiggling my ass towards his rigid erection and rubbing against it. He smacks me again.

"What did I tell you about pleasing yourself", he says chastising me.

"That it was your job. Please Peeta I need you inside me." I am desperate and on the edge of spontaneously combusting. I need to climax. I can't think of anything else besides Peeta and how much I need him to satisfy me.

"What's my name?" he demands.

"Peeta, please" I beg

He rakes his head up and down my slit. "I can't hear you, Katniss. What's my name?"

"PEETA! PEETA!" I scream. "Fuck me, Peeta. Please, I need you inside me."

He crashes inside me ravenously over and over. Instant satisfaction devours me and I shudder and quiver around his girth as he thrusts harder and farther using my shoulders to gain more leverage. As I start to come down from my euphoria of pleasure he pulls out of me and stands against the bed using my hair to direct me towards his solid member lathered in my fluids.

"What did I tell you in the beginning?" He seductively says. "You already fulfilled one now it's time for the other." He smirks. I remember and take him in my mouth moving and sucking it like I can't get enough until he releases inside me. The orgasm brings him back from the episode.

"Katniss, what just happened?"


	20. Truths

"Umm" I stall while wiping my mouth. How am I going to explain this? Surely he has some recollection. He just needs a little time to remember.

"Was you just?" he looks around assessing his surroundings. "Wait! Did I?" he finger presses to his chest then looks at the hand that he used to spank me over and over with. His brow furrowed in confusion. "And you?" he points at me but it must be too much for him to process because his bewildered expression doesn't change. He moves to the edge of the bed, sits and stares at me.

My cheeks flush thinking back to what just transpired. Moving off the bed to find my shorts I notice Peeta's eyes stay fixated on me even while I dress and move to stand by the door. I avoid eye contact afraid that he is mad at me. A couple minutes of silence pass and his gaze never ceases. Finally, I look up into his blue eyes. However, instead of projecting anger they are full of regret and sorrow. "Katniss, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought I could control it but I can't. I know I said that I wasn't going to leave you but I can't stay here and put you at risk again."

"What! No. Peeta you're not leaving."

"Katniss, I hurt you. There are bruises all over your thighs and your waist? I thought Dr. Aurelius cured me from physically wanting to hurt you again, but I wanted to and the things I made you do. Why didn't you try to stop me? I'm so sorry." he lowers his head shaking it in shame.

"Peeta, do you remember everything that happened?

"It's starting to come to me, but it's still a little fuzzy."

"Tell me the first thing you remember?"

"I remember grabbing your shoulders and throwing you on the bed."

"Okay. Now try to remember the rest." we sit there quietly until Peeta comes to the realization of the truth.

"I told you that you were mine. That Gale couldn't have you and I was going to take what is mine." a guilty look crept upon his face expecting the worst.

"Correct, then what?" I encourage him to continue. If he could just remember then he won't feel bad.

"You asked me what would happen if you didn't want it and I" he suddenly gets quiet. You can almost see him working it all out in his head. "Oh. I see." he cries out. He continues to looks at me after he finally put it together. The heat from my face causes me to turn away embarrassed of my actions. He puts on his clothes and comes over and gives me a sensual kiss followed by a bite of my lower lip. My arms grab him and pull him closer to me. We finish the kiss when both of us are gasping for air.

"Next episode would you like me to unleash myself upon you again?" he whispers and bites on my lower ear.

"Yes" I feel his smile form against my neck.

"What happened to our guests? There not downstairs are they?" he looks alarmed.

"No I sent them to your old house and told them I would get them after I checked on you. That was about an hour ago though, so maybe we should go get them and cook dinner. Are you okay with Gale being here?" I inquire.

"Are you?" he ignores my question to ask his own.

"I don't know. I think Prim would want us to stay friends." I reply

"I think she would too. Let's have them over for dinner. Maybe we can even get Haymitch to join sober."

"I think Effie would like that. Are we going to let both of them stay here?" It makes me a little uneasy having Gale and Peeta in the same house during the night. If Gales presence caused Peeta's episodes the further apart they are the better for Peeta.

"We can give them the option or if Gale wants he can stay in my house, which ever one he is more comfortable at."

"Alright."

"Shall we?" he pushes his arm to me so I can wrap my hand around it.

He whispers "I really like how you say my name." he smiles and we walk to meet Effie and Gale.

"Maybe next time I will get you to say mine" as say as I elbow him in the side.

Effie is relieved that Peeta is not sick and is still able to speak during the ceremony tomorrow. Gale says little but accepts our invitation to dinner and asks if he can stay at Peeta for the night. I am thankful the more space the better. Peeta grabs Effie's luggage and asks her if she would be gracious enough to help him see if Haymitch would be willing for dinner. She huffs but gives in easily. Peeta surprisingly leaves Gale and I alone in his house.

"So this is Peeta's old house, huh" he says while looking around.

"Yes he moved in about eleven months ago." I reply without hesitation.

"Eleven months with no cameras or audience." he questions.

"Yes." I laugh. Ever since I shot Coin no one has wanted to showcase me anymore."

"But you guys are together?" he validates.

"Yes." I reply annoyed.

A heavy sighs escapes his lips. "Oh well. A guy could always hope." he mumbles to himself.

"Wait what? Look Gale I don't know what you are saying, but I wanted to tell you I shouldn't of snapped at you at the train station. The impression I left you with at the Mansion depicted that I didn't want to talk to you again, and at that time I didn't, so I don't blame you for not returning sooner."

"Katniss" he lowers his head his eyes moist. "I was wrong. It's always personal. If I could go back I would."

"Well you can't Gale. She's gone."

"I know and I'm sorry." he looks at me. His face twisted in pain and remorse. "I miss her. I failed you and her."

"It wasn't all you, Gale. Coin is the one who used the weapons, who sent Prim off as a medic to the front lines." I am not taking away all his blame. Beetee and him created those weapons but they didn't fire them.

"I miss you, is not a day that goes by that I haven't thought about you. You were right. I never tried to contact you. I just went straight to District 2 and immersed myself in work. I was too much of a coward to call or come back because I knew the way you would look at me. I can see the conflict in your eyes. You want to hate me."

"I do" I answer honestly. He starts to walk away I grab at his hand. "I can't though. Prim wouldn't want me to. She would want us to stay friends."

"Friends?" he questions my hand still around his. I remove my grasp. It didn't provide me the same comfort that Peeta's hand interlocked with mine does.

"Yes Friends. If you want to join me I am going hunting before the ceremony tomorrow." Truthfully, it will be nice to hunt again with my old friend. Time to time I find myself waiting at our meeting spot thinking of how he is doing. Hoping he is happy.

"That would be nice I haven't hunted since the war. There is no forest anywhere close to 2." his eyes light up.

"Well." I say awkwardly. Unsure of what to say next. "I am going to go help Peeta with dinner and Effie."

"Wait I 'll go with you." he walks closely beside me his arm too close to my own. He used to walk like this with me before but it never bothered me until now. I take a few bigger steps and put some space between us. As we enter the house I'm surprised to see Effie and Haymitch sitting at the kitchen table. Peeta is putting his apron on so he can start cooking dinner. He candidly smiles at Gale and me and goes back to his task. The smile has me dazed in the entryway. How did Gale's presence bother him so much before but now he is un-phased?

"Tell me darlings. How long have you two been living together!" Effie question brings me back. I walk to the fridge and grab the ingredients Peeta needs for the lamb stew and sets them up near him so it's easier for him to cook. Effie watches me waiting for a response.

Thankfully Peeta looks in my direction silent asking permission. I nod in approval. "Eleven months" he replies.

Effie continues to watch us. Peeta and I work in sync in the kitchen. He cooks and I help making it easier for him. I don't cook but when I help him I don't feel useless and waited on. It makes him happy just to have me close.

"Katniss you look so jubilant. I don't think I have ever seen you smile this much. Gale isn't she glowing?"

Peeta fights a smirk. Gale looks at me and then to Peeta. "She is." he replies nodding yes. His expression displays admiration. "You guys look really happy together. You both deserve it." he affirms.


	21. Dinner

All the attention is too much for me to handle. Luckily, Peeta looks towards Gale and gives a nod which seemed to say a lot with such little movement. "Gale how are things in District 2?" he inquires changing the subject.

"It was a difficult at first for everyone to adapt. Resentment was thick, but once everyone started to work together to rebuild the District bonds were made and those relationships helped everyone obtain some perspective to the other person's point of view." He talks with reverence. I wonder if he formed his own bonds with formal Capital citizens. He was never fond of any of them before. He thought the compassion I had for my prep time was absurd and that saddened me. He couldn't see that they didn't know any better.

"How about you? Have you adapted?" Peeta inquires placing dinner on the table. I grab the hidden bottle of liquor and pour everyone a glass. Haymitch glares at me. He knew I hid some of his liquor from him and now he has proof. I return a simper smile as he grabs the bottle from my hands. Laughing amused by his annoyance I go sit next to Peeta.

"I miss 12, but I have made some new friends. 2 may not have a forest close but it has a lot of entertaining attractions that help pass time. I have experienced a lot in this last year. To be honest, I still find myself resenting them from time to time. However, after I started to get to know a few of them I realized that most of them have good hearts." he says smiling while putting an arm around Effie.

"Watch the outfit. Those are real feathers!"Effie removes Gale's hand beaming a slight grin. Gale smirks thoroughly enjoying annoying her. It appears that this is not his first offense. "Why your not too bad yourself, Gale." Effie gestures her hand towards Gales direction. Haymitch takes another drink and starts shoveling his dinner in his mouth while grunting something inaudible under his breath.

"Do you two work together often?" I ask moving my fork from one of them to the other.

"I am Gale's publicist." Effie proclaims. "I help him interact with the upper class citizens like myself. You know I have always had a way with words. " Effie boasts her own self worth.

"Yes of course you have." Haymitch laughs. Effie's face reddens. Her hands are braced on the table steading her so she can rise up but before she moves Peeta interrupts quickly.

"Your speeches were always my favorite. Each was written eloquently and I thought they were very influential." Peeta words calm Effie enough for her not to charge on Haymitch for the moment.

"Thank you Peeta, but enough about me. I want to hear more about you two. It's been too long." She huffs in defiance towards Haymitch and turns looking at Peeta and I.

"What is there to hear?" I question not understanding where she is leading the conversation.

"Well you guys live together. Peeta is going to be the owner of a Bakery. All very exciting. Are you guys planning a wedding anytime soon? It is the proper thing to do since you guys are sharing the same house." she states audaciously clasping her hands together.

"Wait! What! No! That is none of your business." I forcefully get up from the table causing glasses to spill and storm out into the living room.

As I leave the room I hear Haymitch retort, "Well as much as these two go at it shouldn't be too much longer." He was just couldn't wait to pay me back for hiding his liquor.

Why does she think that we would be planning a wedding just because we live together. I am fuming and about to go back and kick all of them out but before I make my way Gale enters the room.

"Hey you know Effie doesn't mean any harm. Come back out she is upset that you left so abruptly." he gestures with his hand towards the kitchen.

"So when did Effie and you become friends?" I inquire mockingly.

"We have worked together since I was first transferred to 2. At first, I wanted her gone but she was a reminder of you and I knew you would be mad at me if discarded her so easily."

"So you became her friend because of me?" I reply flustered.

"No not necessarily. Plutarch assigned her to me. Hoping it would help forge the bonds between the capital citizens and the rebels. We didn't get along at all in the beginning but if I was going to be good at my new job than I was going to have to try to work with her. She is extremely over the top but she has helped me tremendously." Gale moves to the couch and we sit side by side.

"I know Effie thinks I am behaving rudely for leaving the kitchen, but I am not going to apologize." I don't like Peeta's and I relationship being a talking point anymore. We are no longer a show.

"I'm not asking you to apologize. What's wrong with talking about marriage anyway? You guys were fake married before the Quell?" he talks about it like no big deal, to be married. Marriage leads to children.

"Ya but like you said that was fake. We were trying to stop the games. We don't have to get married. We can just live together like we have been before either of you came." his eyes depict a tinge of hurt. Peeta and I were doing just fine before the ceremony and I wish we could go back to not having visitors.

"I can't believe I am doing this. I am sure he wants to be married to you, Katniss. He loves you and you love him, anyone can see it, but I am sure he would never ask you because he is terrified it would run you off."

"I never wanted to get married." I say defeated. Gale is right. Peeta wouldn't risk asking me knowing how I feel about the topic. Is Gale right though about Peeta wanting to marry me? Remembering back when I mentioned marriage on the tour Peeta agreed but secluded himself the rest of the night. Haymitch told me to leave Peeta alone because even though he wanted to get married he wanted it to be for real.

"The world is different now than when you first said that to me in the woods. There are possibilities now that never existed and you don't have to live in fear anymore." there is certainty in his stare, but I am not convinced yet.

"It's only been a little over a year. Coin wanted to have use the Capital's children in the games. What if another war breaks out?" I counter. If I am not fighting a nightmare I live in constant fear of the future and Peeta's and my place in it being past victors and soldiers.

"Katniss you have to live your life and not worry about things that may or may not happen." Gale attempts to reason with me. There maybe some truth to his statement but I need to go back out and make peace with Effie and hurt Haymitch. To my disappointment Haymitch and Peeta are gone.

"Peeta was a dear and walked Haymitch home." Effie explains. "Katniss sweetie, come here and have a seat." She gestures towards the chair next to her. I inhale deeply and walk to take a seat. "I wasn't trying to upset you. I am just so happy for both of you that you have each other." she sincerely says.

"I know Effie. I am sorry I stormed out. I am just not use to having civil guests. Could you ever forgive me?" I wasn't planning on apologizing but how could I hurt this woman, when she really is happy to see Peeta and I together.

"All is forgiven. I completely understand having to eat dinner with that animal Haymitch." her expression appalled at the returning thought of him. Peeta returns and we help our guests get settled in for the night. Gale and I make plans to meet at our usual meeting spot at dawn. Once we finish cleaning up dinner Peeta and I head upstairs. I am exhausted and plop directly on the bed, kicking off my shoes. Peeta follow suit taking my head and resting it on his chest.

"What a day." he yawns, stroking my hair.

"No more visitors, for a while, please." I would prefer to hide out here for the rest of our lives with him.

"No more visitors." he kisses my forehead. His lips are cool against my warm skin and send shivers down my spine. These kisses always bring a calm over my whole body. "It appeared you made up with Effie and Gale and you are hunting tomorrow?" he tries inquiring serenely but I hear the discretion in his voice.

"Effie was just being... well.. Effie. I can't fault her for it. Are you okay with Gale and I go hunting before the ceremony? I am trying to be his friend again. Prim wouldn't want me to push him away." I should have thought it through I don't want to cause another episode. Well maybe I do in the future, but tomorrow wouldn't be a good day for it. Peeta needs to be fully alert for the bakery's grand opening.

"You're right. She would want you two to be friends. I can control my episodes now around him." he sounds assured. I am relieved he so certain of himself now when before just the thought of Gale enraged him. Gale and my conversation regarding marriage keeps replaying in my head. Especially why Peeta hid himself away on the train. Haymitch said he wanted it to be real, that he wanted me to want it too because I loved him and not to appease Snow to save our family and friends. He knew what was at cost and he put his own feelings aside to help me. I could do the same for him.

"Peeta. Can I ask you a question?" my voice breaks and I immediately wish I could take it back.

"Yes. You can ask me anything." he notices my hesitation and sits us up looking me worriedly in the eyes.

"Do you want to marry me?"


	22. Bread

****This is a smaller chapter than I normally write but I think it was at a good stopping point. I am also tired so there maybe more grammatical errors than normal, but I promise I will come back to them to fix later. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you everyone who takes time to read my updates and I love all your comments.*****

"Yes, I love you and want to tie myself to you in all ways, including calling you my wife." his expression shows nothing but love and admiration towards me, but his eyes show a sadness that he tries to mask.

"Peeta" I whisper. My heart aches to heal the hurt that he is trying to shield from me.

"Katniss, I couldn't have asked for anything better in life than for you to share the same love for me as I do for you. I know how you feel about marriage and would never ask you to do something you don't desire too." his hand caresses my cheek.

I sigh realizing how much I don't deserve this man. This future I ended up with is not turning out to like anything I pictured five years ago. My future included worrying about how I was going to feed my family and not thinking about marriage or subjecting any future children to the Seam. The future now doesn't involve tesserae, any games and the government supposedly cares for all it's citizens the same. Could this future Katniss want marriage? I don't know.

I do know that Peeta's presence gives me purpose and he makes me feel complete although I am broken in pieces. He wants me to desire marriage I don't think that will ever happen but I am, however, devoted to him and his happiness. I grab his hand and he is looking at me completely puzzled but willingly lets me guide him to the living room. I start collecting wood to light a fire. Peeta shakes his head incredulously but starts to help light the fire. I collect a piece of bread leftover from dinner and stick it he poker through it. Peeta still has not spoken. His stare is starting to make me feel uneasy and restless, he places his hand on mine. I start to move the poker into the fire, but there is resistance from his hand on mine.

"Peeta what's wrong? I thought you wanted this." It's irrational but rejection consume me. I tell myself Peeta is not stopping me because he doesn't want me. He just told me how much he wanted to marry me upstairs. It still doesn't stop me from placing the poker and myself to the floor and bringing my knees to my chest otherwise.

He quickly follows lifting my chin so I can look into his eyes. His tender gaze erases all my self doubt. "I couldn't want anything more, but why are you doing this? You don't want this." he gestures towards the poker.

"I want you and I want to make you happy. I didn't want to be married before but everything has changed. The reasons behind my apprehension no longer exist, but you do and I want to be with you." his lips sink into my own with sheer passion. The kiss leaves me stirring with the same sensations that come from white liquor.

He grabs my hand with the poker and lifts both up towards the fire. "Together" he asks.

"Together." I reply as we lower the poker into the fire and toast the bread.


	23. Merchant Circle

The sun rises and rays of light shine through the living room curtains. Peeta and I lay naked on the floor with nothing more than the throw from the couch as cover. After the toasting ceremony we consummated our marriage by expressing our love in a slow, sweet and passionate way that we never have experienced before. My head rests on Peeta's chest, his fingertips trace lines up and down my bare back.

"Who do you want to sign off on our marriage? I can ask Thom and Sae. We can even wait until Effie and Gale leave if you prefer." Peeta nonchalantly inquires no different than asking who is going to pick up our supplies from the train. The thought is nice. Effie would be overjoyed and we would have to fight her to keep the ceremony simple, but she has been around Peeta and I since the beginning it would seem cruel to not involve her. She once told us how we both deserved better when we were going into the Quell. It truly devastated her that Peeta and I had to face the games again. She should be a part of our ceremony. However, Gale is with her. He seemed like an advocate for Peeta last night so I decide to bring it up during hunting this morning.

"No I think we should include Effie, Gale and even Haymitch. They have been apart of our story from the beginning. It seems right to have them as witnesses."

"How about your mom?" Peeta questions.

I haven't seen my mom since I left the Capital. We have talked and our relationship has grown a little. However, would home bring resurface past thoughts and make it unbearable for her? "I don't know. She has requested for us to visit her. I honestly don't think she ever wants to return to twelve." If we wait for her it would be wrong to not ask Annie, Johanna, Beetee, etc. That is too much fuss and too long of a wait. "I think we should do it the day after the ceremony. My mom will understand."

Peeta doesn't push but I sense that he believes my mother should be there. We agree that I will ask Gale while he asks Haymitch and Effie to be witnesses for our vows. I leave Peeta to get ready for his speech after I get dressed, gather my father's jacket, and bow.

I kiss his lips planning on leaving only a peck but my lips open to his and our kiss deepens and becomes sensual as my lips are remembering the details from last night. He has to break us apart and remind me I have plans to meet Gale in the woods.

"See you later Mrs. Mellark". He boasts as I close the door.

Gale is at our former meeting place waiting on me. It's early enough that the air is cool and the droplets from the morning dew haven't dried up on the grass. He is rests against the rock. "Hey Catnip. Almost didn't think you were going to make it." he says expresses with a hint of sadness.

"I asked you remember. Why wouldn't I come?" I reply "I said I would try for Prim and this is what we used to do as friends."

"Nevermind that. You know. It is weird being out here again. I can't believe I just walked through the front gate and didn't even have to sneak through the wires." I felt the same way after I returned. We don't have to hide anymore. However, I still go through the wires, mainly to avoid contact with others.

"I have some snares set up. We can go check those." I start walking to the first trap, Gale follows. We conversate about hunting, remembering about the days when we had to do it to survive. Our relationship feels awkward and a little forced but I am sure that will take time. I know that Peeta would waste no time with asking Effie to be a witness so I decide to bring up the topic to Gale in the woods.

"Gale"

"Yes, Katniss"

"You were right." I don't know how to approach this subject. It seems a little wrong to ask Gale to be a witness but right at the same time. If it wasn't for his words last night I probably wouldn't of toasted with Peeta.

"I know, but what about this time particularly?" he is so arrogant. I don't think I realized that about him before.

"About Peeta wanting to marry me. We toasted last night. We wanted to know if Effie and you could stay another day and be our witnesses for our papers?" I let out everything at once and take a deep breath. Gale is silent for a second, smiles and closes the gap between us and encircles me in his arms.

"Congratulations. I am happy for you. Yes of course we will stay." I don't hug back but say thanks and he puts me down. We finished inspecting the snares, catch a turkey and go back in town to clean up before the grand opening ceremony. Gale walks with me back to the house were Effie, Haymitch and Peeta are waiting on the porch. Peeta is dressed in a navy form fitting suit. We haven't dressed up since the beginning of the games and I don't think I ever realized how strikingly handsome he is until now. The suit enhances the lines of his muscles and brings out the color in his eyes.

"Oh there she is..our bride!" Effie exclaims.

"You promised." Haymitch sternly says to Effie. "Plus it's too early for that high pitched ear piercing sound you call a voice."

"You are not going to ruin this for me Haymitch. It is too joyous of an event." Effie takes her handkerchief and slaps Haymitch in the stomach.

"It is and thank you Effie for agreeing to keep it a small event amongst friends" Peeta reminds her.

"Yes well I don't know why you two want to have a small ceremony, but I will respect your wishes so I can be apart of it." Effie states with a hint of sadness.

I start to regret my decision to include them and glance towards Peeta. He returns a smile. Gale walks up the stairs to shake his hand and I escape immediately to the back to clean and skin the turkey. Relieved to be away from all the fuss I start focusing intently on defeathering and skinning the game. I am startled and rise my knife up when I hear footsteps within a few feet of me.

"Hey. Hey. Sweetheart, threatening people with knives is my thing." Haymitch says approaching me.

"Sorry I was distracted."

"I bet, so you're getting married. Huh."

"What do you want, Haymitch." I go back separating the meat from the bones. Our relationship has always been an interesting one. There were times I thought Haymitch hated me but I came to realize he was afraid for me because I acted just like him.

"Peeta thought it would be a good idea that I give you away during the ceremony. I told him that you probably wouldn't go for it but he threatened to raid my house if I refused. So what do you say, will you let me give you away?" the knife drops to the table. I am stunned by Haymitch's question. Haymitch doesn't say anything else and waits for my response. It's the quietest I have seen him since we first met aside from when he is passed out. He has been the closest father figure I've had since my father died in the mines.

"Yes" I reply picking my knife up and returning to the meat. Haymitch leaves and I try to stale as long as I can but the grand opening ceremony would be starting soon and I need to get ready. I go in the back door and sneak to the shower. When I am done I venture to the closet where the burgundy chiffon dress Effie sent me hangs. It has elbow sleeves and ties at the waist. I, like Peeta, haven't had to dress nicer than jeans in quite some time. It feels awkward. I am running short on time so I braid my hair to the side and go downstairs. Luckily, I am only greeted by Peeta who is sitting on the sofa.

"Where are all our admirers?" I inquire.

"Effie and Gale said they had some last minute details to straighten out. Haymitch went with them or decided to sneak back home." he smiles.

"Good" I sigh. I wasn't ready to deal with all of them again.

"Are you sure you want them to be our witnesses?" Peeta questions with a smile.

"Too late now. We just have to keep Effie from trying to make it a spectacle" I laugh.

"Speaking of spectacle. I called the town hall and they requested we wait one more day if possible. They are swamped with all the grand opening events."

"Really. Is that alright with Effie and Gale?"

"Yes they can do one more day. Are you ready or we are going to be late." Peeta reaches out his hand. I intertwine my fingers with his and we walk to merchant circle. The grand opening ceremony is full of speeches and testimonials about how great twelve has been after the rebuild and the war. No one mentions the thousands of residents who lost their lives except Gale. He recounts how he tried to save as many residents as he could and thought after that night that the district would never sustain life again that was until Paylor took over and gave Panem hope. Gale's speech was told in his voice but all of Effie's words. When I would look at her in the crowd you could see the slightest movement from her lips as she recited the words along with Gale.

Peeta's speech depicted hope, progress and forgiveness. His words emphasized that we shouldn't let past events prevent us from leading a full and joyful future. I didn't realize how he could silence a room and have an audience captivated by nothing but his smile and his voice. After the ceremony and too many conversations from the residents about his speech Peeta lead me to the bakery. Mellark Bakery was engraved into a wood block above the door. As he explained to me his plans Peeta's face showed wonder, enjoyment and a bit of sadness. Baking brings him joy, but the bakery reminds him of his family and his family, except for his father, was not very loving. None of them moved into Victor's Village with him. He was alone then and now.

"What do you think?" Peeta asks.

"I think I'll miss you." I smile. Peeta has already been spending more time at the bakery. Which leads me with usually nothing to do. I hunt but that is not enough to fill the time.

"The offer still stands for you to work here with me. You can stay in the back and wouldn't have to interact with any customers." his voice is calm but his eyes plead to me to accept his offer. I think I would be in the way more than anything else. I am not a baker no matter how many tries Peeta has tried to teach me.

"Maybe later after you're settled. I would really like to get out of this dress." I take his hand and we walk back home.


	24. Wedding

It was the morning of our nuptials. At noon we are going to town hall so we can sign the papers stating we are married. I honestly could care less if we went through with the legality proceedings but completing all the steps makes it real, which I know is what Peeta wants. Learning that Effie and Gale were going to need to stay another day put me on edge. I kept thinking of the ideas Effie would try to get me to agree to. Fortunately, it was a pleasant surprise when I didn't see Effie or Gale until dinner time yesterday. Peeta claimed they were busy with tying up the loose ends from the opening of merchant circle. I anticipated Effie to smother me with suggestions for the ceremony, but I was relieved to learn they were still absorbed with the town that Effie felt horrible she could be of any assistance to me. Peeta and I agreed to keep it simple. We would do no more than going down to town to request and sign the papers in front of the official with our witnesses.

The bakery officially opens next week, but Peeta still needed to make his deliveries to the residents. While he visited his customers I decided to venture to forest to clear my head. It is a beautiful brisk day. There is a slight refreshing wind blowing the leaves on the trees that are starting to change color with the season. This used to be and still is my favorite type of day. I stood by the pond trying to think of new possibilities that I can start to fulfill all of the free time I will soon have on my hands. Perhaps Dr. Aurelius can assist me with figuring out a hobby. Besides killing things I can't think of anything else I have been good at. I stare off into the horizon mesmerized by the beauty of my surroundings until I lose sense of time.

"Hey Catnip" Gales says startling me. I draw my bow pointing the arrow inches from his face.

"Whoa, It's me!. Gale." moving the arrow to the side.

"You surprised me" I say catching my breath.

"They need you back. It's almost time. Think you can manage returning without shooting me?" he laughs and starts walking back towards town. I'm tempted to shoot at the nearest tree closest to his head but refrain.

"What time is it?"wondering how long I was lost in my own head.

"Almost ten. Can't believe you've been out here four hours and have nothing to show for it." he smirks. Gale is unusually chipper.

"What's going on with you?" I gesture with my hand towards him.

"Oh you'll see."he smiles. I stop not wanting to continue any further changing my mind about involving Effie and him. Gale moves behind me and pushes me along the path threatening to swing me over his shoulders if I try to run away until we arrive at Victor's Village.

The area is disturbingly silent. The village only has three inhabitants so it usually isn't sprawling with life but not even Haymitch's geese are moving. Peeta is waiting to meet us at the door.

"Why don't you go upstairs and get dressed and will leave once you're ready" he instructs me while rushing me towards the stairs. I have the sense that everyone around is in on a secret that I don't know about. I notice the door is closed as I walk down the hallway to our bedroom. I open the door and am shocked by the sight of Effie, Johanna, and my mother sitting on Peeta's and my bed.

"Well say something, brainless." Johanna profaned.

"That is no way to talk to the bride to be" Effie chastised.

"Don't you miss having all the attention" Johanna remarks haughty. My mother like me hasn't said a word. She looks uncomfortable and I wonder how long she has been in my room with Johanna and Effie.

"Enough chit chat. It's time for our Katniss to get dressed. Sorry dear we were limited with the time frame and all so this will have to do" Effie gestures over to the closet where a white gown is hanging. The gown before me is a long flowing A-line style dress with lace sleeves and accents at the shoulders.

"It's beautiful" my mother expresses my same thoughts in words. They help me into the dress, my mother does my hair while Effie paints make up on my face. These actions remind me of Cinna and my prep team. Thankfully Johanna continues with her insults that bring me back to reality.

"You know if your love life gets anymore tacky I am going to have to kill you." Johanna pretends to vomit and that is the last straw for Effie. She is now infuriated.

"That's it young lady. Get out!" Effie orders pointing to the door. Johanna states she could use a drink anyways and wants to see what my old mentor would do for her. Realizing the reality of the situation that I am all dressed up but have to walk to town. I start to panic.

"I am not walking through town like this" I declare to my mother and Effie. "Let me take it off I will put it back on when we get there."

"Katniss, dear, you don't have to walk to town. Peeta requested for the official to come to the house." my mother explains.

"He is in the backyard now. Katniss, wait till you see the yard. I just know you will be so enchanted by it all" Effie vows. A smile dawns my face thinking of how much everyone I love has worked so hard for Peeta and I. We are all together and safe. Once they are satisfied with my appearance I am lead to the back door where Haymitch awaits.

"You ready sweetheart?" Haymitch brings out his arm so that I can interlock my arm in his. The door is closed but I can hear the commotion outside.

"How many people are here?" I ask taking in a deep breath. Wondering how mad Peeta would be if changed my mind.

"Not as many as it sounds, promise. No one you don't already know either." Haymitch assures me and opens the door. I sigh in relief noticing that there are only about ten witnesses in our backyard. Johanna, Thom, Beetee, Gale, Effie, Greasy Sae and her granddaughter Sarah, Annie and her son Kai, my mother form a double line that leads to Peeta. He stands by the town's official dressed in a black three piece suit with a blue vest. His smile is so genuine that I can't help but smile back. Haymitch hands me off and the official has Peeta and I share our pledges to each other that bond our toasting forever.


	25. Husband and Wife

I can't think of any other time that I enjoyed myself as much as I did today. The surprise Peeta planned for me was better than anything I could have ever expected or wanted. He always knows what I need even when I don't know myself. We spent the day and part of the night spending time with our guests.

Johanna tells us that our wedding was a repulsive end to an already sickening story. Beetee discusses in detail how the mechanics of our relationship will further heal the rest of Panem. Annie discloses how much Finnick would have reveled in that I finally figured out how much I loved and needed Peeta. She shared stories that he told her of him observing Peeta and I during the Quarter Quell. How he knew I loved Peeta the same way he loved Annie, but with all the turmoil I couldn't see it clearly for myself. My mother and I shared how much Prim would have enjoyed the ceremony. Effie boasts about how Cinna could of turned my dress into something truly magnificent.

I shed many tears but not of sorrow. Though many of our friends were gone I could still fill their presence and their love by thinking of how they would have enjoyed and reacted to our union. We promised Annie and my mother that as soon as I am pardoned we would make arrangements to visit.

Luckily, everyone plans to leave on the train the same day. I enjoyed the day but one day was enough sensory overload. We walked back from the train station after saying farrell with our hands intertwined. The sunset over Victor's Village was illuminating an orange glow highlighting the sky. Peeta and I stopped in front of our house admiring it together.

"Thank you for everything. I will never deserve you but I am glad you came back to me." I revealed turning to face him.

"What do you mean you don't deserve me? Don't you think I should be the judge of what I deserve?" Peeta appears angered by my confession. Haymitch was right though. I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve the love Peeta has shown to me.

"And you truly think that I deserve you, after everything we have been through, after all the pain you endured because of me?" I confessed not really wanting him to answer. My stomach knots thinking of all the times I hurt him when I tried to ignore my feelings and how he was tortured. Even Snow knew I loved him before I even knew it myself.

"Katniss, I love you. I have loved you for such a long time and now you're my wife." he moves a stray hair from my face and places it behind my ear.

"Peeta" I whisper.

"I never thought that my dreams would come true. Yes, I endured pain and suffering but I would undergo it all again to for you to be my wife." he avows.

"You said that already" I laugh and he scoops me up in his arms bridal style and walks us over the threshold of our home.

He lowers me gently to the floor in the living room. When his hands move to my waist his mouth crashes upon mine. His tongue seeks entrance between my lips. My hands move to the back of his neck to bring us closer. The kiss we share is slow and passionate. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes. His eyes reflect the same desire I feel.

"My wife. This is real?" he questions as he caresses my cheek.

"It's real" I smile and he picks me up again moving towards our bedroom. He places me on feet and slowly starts to undress me taking momentary breaks to kiss my hand. My arm, My stomach. Suddenly he moves to his knees and slowly removes my underwear with his teeth. His hand gently lingers up my thigh signaling for me to spread them farther apart. His other hand leads me to the edge of the bed.

I am sitting with him in front of me as he brings his hands to my bra to remove it.

"So beautiful" he whispers in my ear then kisses my collarbone. The fire that burns in me, the fire that only Peeta can subdue, is growing in between my legs. My whole body feels electrified with just his stare and he hasn't even started to really touch me yet.

His caresses both of my breasts and pushes me to lie back. When his hands move from my breasts to my thighs I start to tremble in anticipation of his next move. He smiles but then lowers his head in between my legs and gives my pulsating clit a slow sucking kiss. My back arches at the sensation. His fingers moves up and down the slit of my lips.

"My wife is so wet. Is this all for me Katniss?" he teases. I smile and nod but don't answer.

He licks up and down my lips. His actions are as he is savoring each taste. As if I am his last meal and he has never tasted anything better than what is spread in front of him. His finger presses inside moving in and out then he adds another. His lips are on my clit moving his tongue in circles. A moan releases from my throat.

He stands up from the floor aligning my legs at a 90 degree angle with his body and spreads them in a V shape. He enters me slowly to the point it is unbearable until he is fully inside me. His thrusts remain slow as he leans down toward me going deeper. Though the fire is being quenched in between my legs my breasts begin to yearn to be touched. Peeta has his hands still wrapped around my legs as he continues his slow thrusts. I could ask him and he would oblige, but instead I grab each of them in my hands and begin to rub at my nipples.

"Katniss that is so hot" Peeta moans. His pace quickens and his thrusts become harder. He grabs behind my back and lifts me off the bed. Are bodies still connected he then sits on the bed nestling his face in my breasts, his hands underneath my legs guiding my movements up and down. We orgasim together. My body squeezing him for everything he has.

"Sorry I moved us. I was a little jealous and wanted to feel them too" he says bashfully.

"You can feel them anytime you want" I smile. We spend the rest of the night exploring each others bodies as husband and wife.


	26. Anniversary

**Hope you guys have been enjoying the story so far, but I need to do some time jumping. It's about time I wrap it up. Maybe another time I can come back and add some new chapters. ****

Four years ago today Peeta and I performed the toasting ceremony. Time has passed quickly without much change. Our days have been filled with work and visiting our friends and my mother. Paylor pardoned me a year ago. After the fear of Coin's supporters seeking revenge was no longer a concern. It turned out that the majority were relieved to be rid of another Snow.

We spent the last month visiting our friends and my mother while Sarah ran the bakery. When were home Peeta's spends his days at the bakery while I hunt for the butcher. Over the years he has convinced me to work a day a week with him. Though I do more watching than baking. Peeta is just happy for me to be there and I am happy to oblige.

He still comforts me after nightmares with strong arms and lips that reassure me I am safe. Peeta still grips the back of chairs when he has episode. They have been less frequent of the years. However, we manage the episodes and nightmares like we have done everything else together.

Peeta's has requested over the last couple of years when he has an episode for me to leave the room. When I stay Peeta's episode version of himself hands and words consume me like fire. He is ashamed of of his alter ego so he fights to tame the cocky dirty minded version of himself. Like he does for me I should be supportive, but I find myself provoking his episode side sometimes for the thrill of it. It is playing with fire I know, but they way his eyes look at me during an episode. The intensity of it all allows me to step aside from myself. To be submissive instead of independently stubborn and it is relieving to let go. Peeta is appalled at how much the episode form of himself only wants to domineer and control me. He doesn't understand how I can enjoy it and assumes I am lying so he won't feel bad for the actions his alter self performed. If only I was capable of being that selfless.

Peeta recently has been hinting about children. I knew he would want them someday. I shouldn't of believed him when he told me, that it didn't matter, that he was just happy with whatever I was willing to give him. I didn't want and still do not want children. Visiting Annie last month made his desire worse.

When I start to feel like there is a possibility that Peeta's child could be safe in this world my nightmares convince me otherwise. Nightmares of our child being reaped and us having to mentor him or her. Paylor is still president and things have been fine under her but what happens when they vote again and the new president decides they want to bring back the games. Peeta says that it wouldn't happen. That they would vote for someone like Paylor, but how can we be sure? I am too afraid to take the risk. Everytime I feel like life is better I remind myself of how it use to be the same way I remind myself of the good when I wake from a nightmare. I can't forget the good but I can't let go of the bad.

Last night Peeta and I argued again about having children. It was a good six months since the last time he tried to bring up the topic. Our argument let to me ignoring him most of the day. It was thunderstorming so I couldn't escape to the woods. Instead I stayed home and avoided him the most I could. He let me have my space for most of the day until it was time for dinner. He cooked my favorite, lamb stew. We managed to not speak for all of dinner, however, Peeta had enough.

"Katniss" he calmly calls my name.

"I don't want to talk about it again Peeta" I snide at him.

"You can't continue to live in fear. We have to move on. Is there another reason you don't want children besides the fear of the reapings coming back? We have more than enough to provide for five children let alone one.

"Five!" I gap

"I'm just trying to say it's not like it use to be. Were safe. They would be safe. They would have us and we would take care of them together. So is there another reason than a reaping that you don't want to have children? Or is it you don't want to have my children?" he asks apprehensively.

"No it's not like that." I move to the kitchen chair and start running my fingers through my hair. I dreamt of a time that Peeta's child could play safely, but I thought at the time I would be dead and someone else would give him that child. Peeta comes before me kneeling to bring his face closer to mine.

"Katniss. I love you and I told you that I am willing to take whatever you give me, but I can't ignore the fact that I want children. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I am asking you to at least think about it. Think about the reason you don't want children. If you do that for me and you still decide you don't want to have any I promise I will never bring it up again." his blue eyes urge my soul to be honest with itself. The effect he has on me is irritating me. His power to convince me of truths when I am blinded or hiding from them. The realization of it is causing a fire within me to grow.

"Why can't you accept my answer now!" I scream, heading towards the door. I don't care if it is raining anymore. I have to leave. I think Peeta fell backwards when I moved hastily towards the front but I didn't bother to look back. I am half way towards the back of the house when I feel a hand on my arm yanking me against the brick wall. It's Peeta. His eyes are black. I must have provoked an episode when I knocked him to the ground and screamed at him.

"Where do you think your going?" he sneers at me.

"Away from you!" I yank my arm out of his grasp, but his hold is tight. He takes my other arm and brings them above my head pinning me between the wall and his body. Our clothes are soaked with the rain.

"No your not. You are staying right here" he says while using his knee to spread my legs apart.

"Let me go." I say through gritted teeth.

"What I thought you like this version of me." he seductively whispers in my ear before biting on my lobe.

"Not right now." I yank my head away from his mouth. I tense up. I have never not wanted Peeta's alter ego to advance on me. What will happen if I don't oblige? I can't deny that being pinned up in the rain against this wall is making me wet and not from the rain.

"What you don't want me?" he sounds offended. His arms drop to his side and I don't hesitate and take the opportunity to run. I run until my legs hurt. I passed the gate and ran through the meadow and past the lake. I find the cabin and start a fire to warm my clothes that I took off and placed on a makeshift rack. I decide to stay until the rain stops and spend the night staring at the fire thinking. Thinking of what could have happened, what happened and what I don't want to happen.


	27. Sleep

I'm woken by heavy footsteps that I unmistakably distinguish are Peeta's before I hear him. His voice depicts worry as he calls my name over and over throughout the woods. Gathering my clothes I notice there are damp sections not dried by the warmth of the fire. They are wrinkled and stiff but they will have to do. Perching myself down below the open window I contemplate to either avoid Peeta all day in the woods or join him back to Victor's Village.

To be honest he would struggle finding his way back. He has never been this far out into the woods before and he has never ventured them alone. Peeta's a great baker, painter, lover but hunter or tracker he doesn't have the slightest clue. Even far away peeking through the window I can see how frantic and anxious he is. His blonde curls are practically sticking straight up from him continuously running his fingers in frustration through them. His eyes dark and pained. I wonder if he has been wandering out here the whole night. It is still dark but it is getting closer towards dawn. I emerge from the cabin deciding it will be better to face him then let him trek throught the woods anymore. Peeta releases a heavy breath that he seemed to be holding for a long time.

"Katniss. I have been looking everywhere for you. Are you okay?" he says frantically.

"I'm fine. Let's just go back." Peeta starts to open his mouth as to say something but instead gestures for me to lead the way. We walk back in silence. The sun rises and I can see the toll the night has truly taken on him. I did this to him when I stormed off. Invoking an episode. Running from my problems. Last night I tried to be honest with myself. Peeta was right. My previous fears of not wanting children are now unwarranted. That still doesn't stop the terror from rising within me when I think of the possibility of children. That fear continues to convince me that I shouldn't have children. What kind of mother would I be? I am damaged beyond repair.

When we arrive home I don't say anything and head upstairs and go straight to bed. Although I wait and dread for him to convince me we need to talk. Peeta doesn't stop me. I hear the shower turn on and when I awake hours later he is gone. I can't believe he still went to the bakery after not getting any sleep. Guilt consumes me and I suddenly feel like there must be something I can do try to make amends. While I shower I rack my mind trying to figure out what gesture I could do that would help him. Peeta usually does most of the cooking but I decide instead to cook for him. Then after dinner I will convince him to go straight to bed so he can rest. He will want to talk but there will be time to tomorrow for that.

It was a struggle to have everything completed cooking before the time he walked in, but I did it. I was proud of myself. I didn't burn any of the stew, the mashed potatoes or the corn on the cob. Usually I overcook at least one of the dishes when I try to cook multiple sides at once. Peeta looks almost as bad as when the Capital had him. His hair is a mess. His eyes are dark and blackened underneath. He looks up at me confused and gives me a slight smile.

"What is all this about?" he questions.

"I know you didn't get any sleep so I decided to cook dinner."

"Thanks. I am starving." he replies and comes taking his place at the table.

We eat in silence. Peeta pauses a few times during dinner as if to say something, but thankfully all he expresses is that he likes the meal.

"I was thinking after dinner. We could go to bed early tonight." I confess my plans.

"Katniss, we really need to talk." he cautiously urges the topic afraid to how I may react.

"I know, but tomorrow. I promise" I assure him.

"Okay, tomorrow" Peeta knows I am trying to avoid talking to him, but he can't deny that he needs the sleep.

After we clean dinner up I lead him upstairs to our room stopping at the end of the bed. If I am going to put him to bed I might as well do it right. Grasping the hem of his shirt I slowly I lift it off and toss it to the floor. My hands gently caress his chest moving down towards the zipper of his khaki's. It appears that my body has a mind of it's own and other intentions than putting Peeta straight to bed. Peeta looks at me with shy smile but doesn't stop or encourage me. Not even when I remove his pants deciding to take his boxers along with them.

"I don't need those to sleep?" Peeta playfully asks.

"Nope" I respond bringing my hand behind his neck to pull him into a kiss. When his lips meet mine I realize how much fighting with him has been unbearable. He is my refuge and I do not even stand a chance of being sane without him. I try to tell him with my lips all the things I can't say with words. That I am afraid, lost and worried, but he gives me hope. We continue until we are both panting out of breath.

"I feel a little exposed with you fully dressed." Peeta admits while moving to lift my shirt. When I assist him by disposing of my pants and underwear he confesses that he wanted to remove them. My mind drifts towards Peeta's episode self who would have stopped me from removing my clothes and acted on what he wanted. Quickly I bring my thoughts back. It is not right. I am with Peeta, the boy with the bread, who is always gentle and considerate. Never doing anything out of line with what I want, but I can't deny I want both. The gentle with the brazen.

"You could always have told me to stop and take them off yourself" I admit. "I wouldn't of minded."

"Is that what you like about the my episode side of me? They way he acts on impulse?" he speculates.

"That's one part of it" I allude debating to tell him the rest. Do I tell him how I like the tight grasps he places on me. The provocative dirty words he speaks to me. The way he takes me ravishly without restraint.

He sits on the edge of the bed bringing me into his lap. His blue eyes pierce into mine assuring me I can tell him anything. His thumb strokes my side gently moving from my waist up towards my breast and back down.

"What's are the other parts?"he requests. Although I know Peeta would never judge me or ridicule me for my feelings about his alter ego. I am embarrassed to discuss why his episode form turns me on so much. I have never been good at sharing and this is beyond talking about favorite colors. Peeta challenges me by kissing my collarbone up to my ear lobe slightly nibbling and sucking on his way up.

"Peeta" I whimper. "I like the control. I mean the feralness. I mean. I…" I don't know where to start.

"How about we play a game" he headily says gleaming a devilish grin.

"A game?" I reply puzzled. I can't say that I am not intrigued. The lack of sleep has surfaced a mix between his two personalities. His sparkling blue eyes radiate with an edge of black.

"I will ask you a series of questions and you can tell me if I am right or wrong." he instructs while bringing his thumb and finger around my erect nipple.

"Okay" I moan answering his questions has to be easier than what I was trying to say earlier.

"You like the directness?" he bites the supple skin above my left breast then kisses it gently.

"Ummmmm" I can't speak. My mouth is useless. I manage to nod between my moans.

"Alright. I can see why you like that. You also like being talked to dirty?" he brings his lips to my ears licking and nibbling then whispers in my ear how he wants to take me and make me his. He asks if I can feel his hard length pulsing against my leg waiting to be sheathed in my warmth.

"Ohh. Peeta. Yes. Fuck." I utter moving my body to where I am now straddling him. His erect cock rests right inside my folds that are dripping wet with arousal.

"I want to please you, Katniss. I can give you both. I won't try to fight it anymore if you don't want me to. I can be sweet" he brushes my lips kissing me sensually then bites my lower lip bringing it into his mouth sucking hard. " but, I can also be devious."

Peeta always knows what I want and unselfishly gives all of himself to me without restraint. I can't help but remember how much I don't deserve this man. If he can put aside his fears for me than maybe I can do the same for him. Tomorrow I will stop taking the pills that prevent me from getting pregnant. I am not ready to tell Peeta yet though. I don't want to get his hopes up. What if I can't even have children. No I'll wait and accept it if it happens and if it does we'll handle it just like we always have together.

"I love you" I exclaim. "I need you Peeta please take me." he immediately lifts me up and throws me on my back. His body lowers upon me in seconds grabbing my legs and placing a foot on each of his shoulders. He lines up to my center and quickly sheaths his cock within me. I yelp in shock but he moves back out as quick as he pushed in and rams into me again. He lowers farther down and grabs onto my shoulders to drive deeper inside me.

"Peeta" I scream. I can't will myself to open my eyes there are fireworks being set off with each hard drive he lowers into me.

"I love the sound of my name on your lips especially when I have my dick inside you." he inclines. "Say it again." he requests while bring my breast in his mouth sucking my nipple hard within his mouth.

"Peeta"

"Again" he moves one hand from my shoulder and brings it in between my legs rubbing my throbbing clit.

"Ohhh. " I am breathing so heavily I don't think I will be ever able to catch my breath let alone talk.

He rubs my clit faster and his mouth moves to my other breast biting down around my areola. "Again, I said. Say my name." he demands.

"PEEETAAA" I cry out and with that starts the beginning of my orgasm. He continues to pump into me harder drawing my oragsm out as far as he can. His hand still massaging my clit until his movements become more erratic and he releases inside of me. When he is finished he rolls to the side and brings me in his arms and starts to stroke my hair. We fall asleep in each other arms.


	28. Pregnant

"Katniss?" Peeta calls from the other side of the bathroom door. This is the fifth time this week I've ran in here unable to hold down my breakfast.

"Give me a minute." I plead.

"Maybe we should go see a doctor." worry laces his voice.

"I'm fine." I insist. "I probably just have a bug, but if it makes you feel better I'll call my mother." honestly it would make me feel better as well. Instantly regretting not paying more attention to my mother when she treated the sick in the kitchen.

"Yes it would." he hands me a cool washcloth. I didn't even hear him approach me.

"Hmmmm" I say in disbelief shaking my head.

"Hmmmm, what?" Peeta extends a hand to help me up.

"Nothing. It's just. I feel fine now." I don't understand how I can feel like I am dying one minute and be well the next.

"That's how it's been though, right?"he recounts.

"Yes and when I start feeling better I assume it has gone away." but it has continued to come back day after day. Peeta and I walk back towards the kitchen he hands me the receiver and dials my mom. After pleasantries I inform her that I am not feeling well. She asks me a series of questions about my symptoms. If I have a fever, how long it has been going on, if I am experiencing any other symptoms. Then the questions begin to get odd. She starts asking when my last period was, if my breasts are tender, and if I am craving different food than I normally eat.

"Mom I don't get what my period or appetite have to do with me throwing up." then it clicks. The receiver falls and hits the tile floor.

"Katniss?" Peeta calls coming towards me picking up the phone, "What is it? Are you okay?" he places the receiver in my hand. I grasp it painfully and bring it back to my ear.

"Mom?" I whisper.

"Katniss, were you trying to get pregnant?" she inquires.

"Well, yes, no, I didn't think" I stutter into the phone.

"I see. You need to come in for an appointment as soon as possible. Dr. Braxton is an excellent doctor here. I can get you an appointment if you like." she encourages.

"Ah. Okay. Yes. Are you sure?" I asked still in disbelief. My fingers aching from still holding the receiver firmly.

"Well I can't say for certain without a test, but I would be surprised based off your symptoms if you weren't" my mother confirms. "I'll call you back tomorrow with the appointment information."

I hang the phone up and move towards the corner of the couch staring down towards my stomach.

"Katniss?" Peeta calls out to me again. I realize I never answered him before and even though he is right next to me. He feels miles away. "Are you alright? Are you going to tell me what is going on? What did your mother say?" he carries on anxiously awaiting my reply.

"I didn't think it would happen so soon or at all." I confess in a low whisper to myself shaking my head back and forth.

"You didn't think what would happen?" Peeta implores me calmly trying to get a coherent response from me.

"It can't be. I can't be." I protest.

"Katniss you're worrying me. What is going on" Peeta proclaims resting his hand on my shoulder bringing his other to my chin so he can lift my head for our eyes to meet.

"I'm pregnant." I whisper so low that I didn't think he could hear.

"You're what? Wait! Were you trying? I thought you. I am going to be?" he resounds effusively joyful. It is enough to make me almost need another trip to the bathroom.

"I stopped taking. I didn't think that it would happen. Especially not this soon. I think so. Mom says there is a test to confirm. She will call me back with the information tomorrow." I explain answering all his questions trying not to freak myself out more than I already am. I can't run from this it will follow me, because it is inside of me. Oh my goodness. There is something inside me.

"Katniss I am trying so hard to give your space. I know you're freaking out right now. I promise you everything is going to be alright. I am here for you and will do whatever you need, but right now it is taking everything I have to not pick you up in my arms and swing you around." he hasn't moved his hands but he is being cautious of my every movement in fear I might run. I want to but no matter how much I try to will myself I can't.

I have been avoiding eye contact with Peeta but the thought of him wanting to spin me around has brought upon a scowl that I need to impart in his direction. When I look upon his face it is radiant as if it is glowing. Peeta has always had a luminous smile but his lips are going to hurt later from the one he is bestowing on me now. Even his sapphire blue eyes twinkle with wonder. The pure joy he is emitting is overwhelming. It begins to pull me into its gravitational force as I find myself smiling with Peeta. Only lasting for a brief moment before the panic takes back over.

"I'm pregnant."


	29. Results

**Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I had some serious writer's block trying to figure out how Katniss would react to being pregnant.****

Peeta and I sit waiting for the official results and I can't help but focus on everything else but what I'm supposed to. The confined white sterile walls of the exam room remind me of the infirmary in thirteen. Peeta places his hand on my knee steading the anxious bouncing I didn't realize I was doing in the chair.

"Katniss it's going to be okay" he tries to console me. His hand moves from my knee up and down my back slowly trying to calm me.

"Is it?" I protest. I am not ready for this. What I was thinking?

"Yes, I promise." he says confidently as he intertwines his hand in mine.

I take a deep breath. A weak attempt to steady myself before Dr. Braxton re-enters. It feels like hours before he finally knocks and enters the room. He is a slender nearly bald man that speaks with a soft voice.

"Congratulations" Dr. Braxton announces confirming what I already knew. Peeta tries to control his emotions, however, he is failing miserably. His horrible attempt reminds me that he is always thinking of me. He knows how afraid I am and is scared his enjoyment may make me more anxious.

Dr. Braxton explains to us the next steps. What I should and shouldn't eat or drink, he provides me bottles of pills I will need to take daily and gives me the option to continue to be treated in four or find a doctor in twelve. Peeta listens intently as he continues to force down his smile. A smile he is afraid that will reveal his true feelings of our news, but he can't control his eyes. His eyes shine bright with wonder unveiling the state of blissfulness he truly is in. Even through my confliction I can't help to be touched. These are the moments we said we would live for. The good ones. His forced down smile and eyes this day is another addition to my list. The list of good I have seen to remind myself there is more than what haunts me in my nightmares.

We chose to continue treatment in four after my mother insists that no other doctor would be as good as Dr. Braxton. It disturbs me why my mother is neither happy or upset about my pregnancy. She seems focused only with my health. At least that is all she would talk about when we went to lunch. What I needed to do to keep myself and the baby healthy. After lunch we traveled to Annie's. We felt it wouldn't be right to come all this way and not pay a visit. Peeta persuades me to tell Annie we are expecting. She is overjoyed at the news and insists we stay with her when we come for my appointments. Kai and her live in Finnick's Victor's Village house on the ocean instead of hers and the thought of staying with them sounds better than staying in the city.

The sounds of the waves remind me of my old friend and remind me how I was afraid to go near the ocean at first. Just the thought of going near the beach brought back memories of Finnick, but the water was something he loved so much and I finally willed myself to embrace the waves.

Annie and I sit in lounge chairs on her deck facing the the beach while we watch Peeta plays with Kai in the ocean.

"Annie?" I whisper.

"Yes, Katniss" she acknowledges me turning her head in my direction.

"What is it like?" I inquire.

"What? Pregnancy?" she speculates. I nod in confirmation.

"I am not going to lie to you and say it's all a wonderful experience, Katniss, but I will say it is worth it in the end." she affirms.

"Are you sure? Weren't you? Are you...afraid?" I stammer.

"Yes I'm sure. Yes I was, and at times I still am, but I can't dwell on being afraid. Kai needs me and even though I can't control everything that is going to happen to us I don't live in fear that something inevitably will. I cherish every good moment we have together and if a bad time happens we will deal with them when they occur but not live in fear of them now" Annie proclaims. Her words bring clarity to the fog of anxiety that has clouded my mind. Her words remind me of Finnick who always lived in the moment.

"I can see why he loved you so much" I confess to her.

"Katniss I am here for you anytime you need me. I want you to know that." she avows not even trying to suppress the tears streaming down her face.

"I know. Thanks Annie." I admit. We look back to the ocean watching Peeta and Kai play. Peeta is a natural when it comes to kids. They have always seemed to flock to him and I think it is more than the sugar cookies he hands out. Most of the kids around twelve avoid me as much as I avoid everyone else. Will it be the same for my own child. Will he or she love Peeta but be afraid of me?

"Katniss" Annie pulls me out of my reverie. "You will be a great mom. You are selfless, protective and take care of the ones you love. Your child will love you and rely on you just as much as it will Peeta." she assures me as if she could knew my own insecurities. I appreciate her confidence, but I how can she be so sure. Peeta and Kai venture back towards the house before I have a chance to reply. Annie gives me a look gesturing that we will finish our talk another time.

Peeta and I travel back to twelve the next day. It feels nice to be back home. I immediately take off to the woods to collect my thoughts while Peeta goes to check on the Bakery. The smile has still not left Peeta's face since we left four. You would think his cheeks would be hurting by now. He wants to tell everyone we know that we are expecting, but I have convinced him to wait a few more weeks before we make the announcement. He reluctantly agrees, but insists that we at least tell Sarah since he will need to explain to her why he will be taking more time off from the bakery.

Once Sarah knew Greasy Sae knew and shortly after the rest of twelve. Within a matter of a month everyone was aware that I was pregnant without us telling them. Greasy Sae and her big mouth. I should've known better and forbid Peeta to tell Sarah and to come up with an excuse on why he had to take time off. Sae's spot at the hob was were everyone traded gossip.

Johanna was happy for us in her own way. She stated she was sickened that our love story was taking another sappy turn. Effie was over the top as usual and begged to throw me a baby shower that she wouldn't allow me to say no to. Gale congratulated us and said he would come to four when the baby was born. Thankfully over time the hype of our announcement passed and our life returned to as normal as it could get.

Nightmares still plague me but when I start to get worried or anxious I talk to the baby. Telling him or her the list I repeat daily of all the good things I've witnessed. Peeta talks to the baby too. He rambles on and on about all the things he wants teach him or her and how beautiful and strong their mother is and how he loves them both so very dearly. I begin to feel at peace with being pregnant and am pleased that I will be the one who will be able to watch Peeta's child play in the meadow.


	30. Bun in the Oven

Five years have passed since the birth of our daughter Iris. Her blue eyes gleam bright through dark hair. Like her father she renews my hope and is as beautiful as the flower she is named from. There are days I revel on how my life has turned out. The joy that surrounds me is overwhelming. That same joy fuels my resistance to the bad days. Days when it is hard to leave the bed because of sleepless nights filled with nightmares. I carry on by reminding myself of the list I would speak to Iris when she was still in my belly of all the good things I have seen. The list gets longer each day and for that I am grateful.

Peeta wanted a child so bad and even though I was terrified I wanted to try for him and I am so glad that I did. I couldn't imagine my world without Iris and soon we will have another addition to our family. I can't wait to surprise Peeta with the news. He doesn't even know I stopped drinking my monthly concoction months ago, because this time I wanted to try.

He will be ecstatic. I know he wants more children, but has been cautious on bringing the subject up. Iris is five and I miss the baby she once was. Not that I don't love the little girls she is growing into, but I sense our family isn't whole yet.

Luckily, with this pregnancy I am not as sick as I was with Iris or the news would have been exposed sooner. It wasn't until Peeta and I was having sex a few weeks ago that I realized my body was more sensitive than it used to be. I had a few bouts of morning sickness but it was during the same time everyone around the district started passing around a stomach bug. Peeta and Iris both became ill. I couldn't knock the sense there was something more going on so I requested a pregnancy test from my mother to confirm my suspicions.

Peeta is working late and Iris and I are cooking dinner together. She is Peeta's twin in personality. Haymitch can't even deny her attention when she is in the room. They have been best friends ever since she could talk.

"Honey can you pass me the flour?" I point to the white sack on the counter.

"Yes, momma" she says grabbing the sack and skipping towards me. Flour spilling out all over the floor with each jump she makes.

"Slow, slow down sweetie. You're getting flour everywhere." I raise my hand signaling for her to stop, but she turns and looks down at the mess she made and her position causes more flour to pour all over the floor.

"Oh. I sorry momma" her cheeks begin to redden. "I just. I want to help, but I no good." she plops to the ground flour explodes in the air like a firework.

I take a deep breath moving towards her. Grateful there is still enough flour for what I need when I take the sack from her and place it on the stove.

"You're good. You're just still learning. Let mommy finish mixing the ingredients so she can put it in the oven before daddy gets home and then you can help me clean up this mess, okay?" she nods still looking dejected but is adorable with all the flour in her hair. Peeta may have rekindled the fire of life's desires within me, but Iris engorged the flames. She restored my will to live this life to the fullest.

After placing the rack in the oven I grab the broom and kneel down next to Iris. She hasn't moved and the flour blankets the floor around her like snow. With a finger I draw a picture of a heart and right her name. She follows suit and draws a picture of a house and three stick figures.

"Is that daddy, you and me?" I ask her.

"Yes, we are standing outside our house." I draw another stick figure next to the one that represents her.

"Who is that momma?" Iris inquires but the subject is quickly forgotten once Peeta opens the door. Iris jumps up and is about to start running towards the door but I am too quick and grab her at the waist.

"Wait sweety. The flour remember." I point to her blue dress that is now spotted with white.

"Oh ya" she giggles.

"Where are my girls?" Peeta echos from the living room.

"In here daddy!" she cries out.

Peeta enters the kitchen surveying the mess. A puzzled look on his face. "What do we have here?"

"I helping momma make bread, but I made mess" Iris explains to her dad.

"I can see that." Peeta says as he points to Iris's dress caked in flour.

"Katniss, I could have brought bread home. Why didn't you call me. Since when did you bake?" Peeta questions utterly confused.

"Well it's not really bread in the oven. It's more like a bun." I reveal.

"I have buns at the bakery too." Peeta points out. Oblivious to the pun behind my choice in words.

"Daddy look at my picture." Iris brings Peeta to the flour drawings on the floor. "There is our house and you, me and momma."

"Who is that?" Peeta questions pointing at the stick figure I drew next to the one that represented Iris.

"I do not know. Momma drew." Peeta looks at me, then the oven, and then back at the stick person outlined in flour then again at me. He is starting to put the pieces of my puzzle together. I am surprised it took him this long. Since the bakery opened I haven't baked anything without him initiating my help. If I wanted bread I place my order and he brings it home.

"Are you sure?" he utters. Unable to contain the smile lighting up his face.

"Yes my mother sent a test. I took it this morning after you left for work." I reply smiling not able to contain my charade any longer.

"Oh Katniss!" Peeta gasps. His arms encircle me in a hug lifting me off the floor.

"What happen daddy?" Iris tugs at Peeta's pant leg. He grabs her up until we are all embracing in a three way hug.

"Iris! You're going to be a big sister." Peeta says triumphantly.

"I am?" she questions.

"Yes. How do you feel about that?" I inquire now concerned that she may not take to the news as well as Peeta.

"Me a big sister? Yes I be a good sister." she nods her head over and over in confirmation. Relieved I squeeze Peeta and her closer enjoying another moment I can add to my list.


	31. Thankful

It amazes me after all these years how Peeta's eyes still light up when I walk in a room. The wonder and excitement behind those beautiful blue eyes is the number one item on my list. You would think after fifteen years I wouldn't still need to repeat it to myself, but the list reminds me not take life for granted. The same fears from my past are long gone, but the unknown future makes me anxious.

Today is our fifteenth wedding anniversary. Thinking back there was a time I said I never wanted to get married or have children. Now I couldn't think of my life any other way. However, I wouldn't have the life I do today if it wasn't for Peeta. If he never came back to 12 I would have survived barely by sleeping through life, but would have never lived. Experiencing life with Peeta has brought happiness when I thought there would only be dread.

Peeta insisted that I keep out of the kitchen while he cooks a surprise dinner. I try my best but my curiosity gets the best of me and I creep into the kitchen to sneak a peak. He is still prepping dinner and from the looks of it he must be making a roast. I watch his hands fidget with the twine. It's getting the best of him but he is determined to conquer the beast. Peeta does most of the cooking. He is better at it than I am. I lack the patience for the fancy meals he tries that remind me of our time at the Capital. My meals consist more of macaroni and cheese which are great hit with the children.

Iris and Tandor are in four visiting my mother for the weekend. They both love the beaches there. Iris is growing into a beautiful young lady. She is in the fifth grade and in the fall she will learn about the games. She knows from hearsay that her father and I played apart but doesn't know the full extent. Peeta and I decided that we will sit and discuss with her when she gets back. It will be better that she hears from us first than from school.

Tandor just started kindergarten luckily we have a couple more years before he will learn of the games. Tandor has Peeta's blonde hair, but my gray eyes that at times glare at me due to his fiery temper. He fights me tooth and nail on everything. Iris may be more like Peeta but Tandor is definitely my mini me. That is probably why I lack patience with him more than Peeta.

"I told you to keep out of the kitchen" Peeta chuckles. He places the pan in the oven and turns around eying me in my hiding space between the stairs and the living room.

"I'm hungry. How much longer?" A scowl forms upset with myself that I lingered and revealed my position.

"I have an appetizer that will tide you over, but you'll have to come over here." Peeta gestures with his finger. When I am within reach he grabs me up and lifts me on top of the counter and grabs a chair from the table, placing it in front of me.

"Where's the food?" I turn my head looking around noticing there is nothing edible in sight.

"I never said that you were the one having the appetizer." he sits looking up at me fervidly. His hands disappear under my dress lifting it up towards my waist.

"But I'm hungry." I pout.

"So am I." he smirks removing my panties. His hands wrap around my body grabbing my ass bringing my body flush with his face. His tongue slowly licks from the bottom to the top of my lips. My head tilts back whispering Peeta's name.

"God! I love when you say my name. Say it louder" he mumbles against my lips grabbing handfuls of my ass. My body surrenders leaning backwards so my legs can spread wider. He takes each leg placing them on each of his shoulders as he continues to lap up my juices with his wonderful tongue.

"Peeta" I say breathlessly. Hearing his name encourages his ministrations around my clit. Taking turns between sucking gently and pressing open mouth kisses that make me shudder with each press of his lips.

"Um. I can't get enough of you." He moans pressing his tongue in and out applying a steady rhythm. As my oragsm begins my body tries to break contact with Peeta's mouth. The more I try to break away the harder he presses into me. I'm about to reach my climax when a beeping sound brings me out of my daze. The oven alarm sounds throughout the kitchen. Peeta growls and presses his finger inside me bringing me back stroking me until I come screaming his name. He rises up, washes his hands quickly and grabs the pan out of the oven before I can catch my breath.

"I wasn't expecting that." I blush jumping down off the counter. He encloses the space between the counter and me. I taste myself on his lips his teeth scrape against my bottom lip before he sucks it into his mouth.

"That was only the beginning. Are you hungry?" I nod. My mind overwhelmed from the previous encounter and intrigued by future opportunities. I think the last time I ate this quick was when I was a teenager starving for food. This time I am starving for something new. Peeta's touch. I am done with my plate before he is halfway done with his. He chuckles at my persistence.

"It's time for dessert" I say playfully grabbing the chocolate syrup. Peeta forehead furrows. He gestures towards the pastry on the counter.

"The dessert is over." his sentence ends abruptly after I nestle myself on top of his lap. "Oh" he exhales. I remove the tie of my wrap dress allowing it to open draping on each side exposing my breasts.

"I think I have something better." I drip beads of chocolate on each of my nipples. Peeta gently licks the syrup off of each.

"These taste better than the turnovers I made." he says in between each lick.

"I'm hungry too."I whimper removing Peeta's shirt and placing lines of chocolate that I suck off of his neck. I am rewarded with a guttural moan. Peeta rises up with my legs wrapped around his waist. He lowers me on top of the kitchen table. The last time we were this brazen in the downstairs of the house was before the kids were born. Peeta towers over me licking and sucking the trail of chocolate I lead for him to follow. His willingness to give me anything I want almost made me forget my train of thought.

"I said I was hungry too" I remind him lifting myself up off the table. I remove Peeta's pants and gesture for him to take a seat. I drip his hard member with chocolate and start to slowly lick it off. He grows hard quickly from the caress of my tongue. "Ummm. more." I moan layering more chocolate around the tip. My mouth opens wide engulfing all of him to where my lips line with the base of his erection. Sucking hard I bring my mouth up and down while using my tongue to continue to lick the chocolate. His hands moves to my hair grabbing fistfulls. I look up locking eyes with him. His eyes are full of lust they stare back into mine before closing. The chair starts to rock against the floor from his body trembling. He releases in my mouth. I continue to suck him dry until there is nothing left. It's the perfect mix of sweet and salty. His body lays limp against the chair.

"Just. Need. One minute then" he can't put together a coherent sentence. I am overjoyed by the state of bliss I caused in him just like he did to me earlier. I rise up resting back in his lap and kiss him. His hands encircle my waist bringing me closer.

"I love you." he smiles. "God. How much I love you. Times like these I still can't believe this is real." he squeezes me tighter against him. My breasts press against his chest sticking slightly from the chocolate.

"I love you Peeta" I stroke his hair looking into his beautiful blue eyes.

"Katniss you have given me more than I could ever dream of. I am thankful that each day I get to call you my wife. I admire the unconditional love you bestow to Iris, Tandor and me. I know that there was a time that you never wanted any of these things, but you took a chance on me, on our family. You have brought me so much joy. I can't wait to see what our next fifteen years entail." Peeta beams at me. His words have caught me off guard.

"I want another baby." I blurt out. I don't even know where that came from but it still couldn't be more true. I have felt this last year something is missing. Of course I am happy but I just couldn't put my finger on what we still needed, until now.

"Katniss, me too!" Peeta kisses me softly on the lips. I feel wetness on my cheeks and don't know if they are my tears, Peeta's or both of ours. It doesn't matter. They are tears of joy. We continue to kiss sensually until passion takes over. Our hands start to explore caressing and stroking. Peeta lifts me rising ff of the chair. I can feel his erection growing against my center. He walks over to the rug, kneeling, placing me gently down. His lips travel from my mouth towards my neck. His fingers gently caress my center. My body quivers at his touch.

"Umm. Peeta. I need you inside me." I whisper while nibbling his ear.

"Oh baby. You're so wet for me. Are you ready?" He questions centering himself in between my legs.

"Yes! Peeta, please." I beg. He likes it when I beg. However, I am so aroused right now I don't think I can withstand the anticipation any longer. He slightly presses his tip against my lips guiding it up and down my folds.

"What do you want?" he teases me. He is just being unfair now. What happened to my loving Peeta from ten minutes ago? I do have to admit. I like that Peeta's episode form is now part of the show. There are times he still grips chairs, but now I know he will never do any harm to me or our family. The precaution is to prevent him from showing that side of himself around the children. That side is for me. All for me.

"I want you, no, I need you! I want you to press as hard as you can inside of me. Please! Peeta! Please!" I cry out. He rewards me by thrusting inside of me all at once. My walls widen at his girth taking all of him inside of me.

"Oh! Yes! That is what I am talking about." I gasp grabbing a handful of Peeta's ass attempting to press him harder into me. He understands the intent of my motion. He lifts my legs around his waist, thrusting harder inside of me. He pushes harder and harder with each downward motion, reaching deeper and deeper before I think he can't go any further into me he lifts my waist up pressing further until he is totally lost inside of me. His fingers move to my clit. I scream his name over and over until I am gasping for air reaching the climax of my orgasm when he release inside of me. Grunting a sound resembling my name. After a few minutes in our awkward stance. He lowers me gently down and bring me into his chest. Kissing my forehead.

"When the kids come back tomorrow. Let's take them to the meadow." he insists. The meadow is where the massive grave lays of the residents who weren't as fortunate as Gale and my mother. It is a symbolic and a better place than any to inform Iris about the games.

" Okay" I affirm. I suddenly feel uneasy. Peeta senses the change.

"It will be alright. We will explain it to her. She will never have to experience any of it." Peeta strokes my hair. The fear starts to creep in. The same fear that still brings on nightmares, but I have Peeta to comfort me and my family. I am so thankful for my family. When we tell Iris of our past she will know it was for her future and the future of all the other children who play in the meadow. They will never experience the same fear Peeta and I did and if anything we went through was a price for that freedom. I would gladly be willing to pay it again.

Thank you everyone who read my fanfic. I really appreciate it. This is the last chapter. The only thing I plan to do in the future is some much needed editing (I get too excited and post early. I also suck at proofreading.). I really have enjoyed the comments. (Pistonsfan75 you are the best. Thank you for all of your comments.) The want for the third child was based of how I interpreted the epilogue. When she mentioned it took Peeta five, ten, fifteen years to convince her to have children I took that as they were going to have three total. Thanks again for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.


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